Journal

Hey I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I feel like I'm really at a crossroads in my life.
Despite what happened to my little angel, I haven't fallen apart and to be honest I've been really surprised at how I've coped. I've found in myself a strength I never though I had.
Soon after Jay died, I think I realised thats  I had a choice - I could either fall apart and turn to drugs or get severely depressed as I had in the past, or I could try and get through this tragedy as best as I could. I knew that falling apart would have inevitably have had a devestating effect on my son, and it just made me realise - I have this gorgeous amazing funny clever little boy who is dependent on me and I have to do the best I possibly can for him. I love him more than I can put into words - I don't have to put on a 'happy face' for him - he makes me genuinely smile and feel truly happy.
For a while I felt guilty for staying strong. I felt that I was somehow disrepecting Jay - that to show him how much I loved I should be a complete mess. But now I really believe that Ciaran is here to help me through this - I know that he needs me. And why should I cause futher suffering after Jay's death by not giving him the attention and stability that he needs.

Although I am still devestated by our loss, I also feel empowered. I never thought of myself as strong or capable but now I know that I am.

These past few months I've b been stepping back and taking a long hard look at my life and what I want for the future for myself and my son.

In the past I was prepared to put up with substandard treatment from men because I was scared to be on my own, and I thought it was all I deserved.
But I've come to a realisation lately - I'm no longer scared of being on my own - in fact I love my own company. In many ways I am blessed - I have wonderful parents, sisters and the most amazing little boy.
I know now that I, and more importantly my  son deserve consistency and respect.
I've been thinking about what I want for his future. I believe now that it would be better for him to grow up with a single loving parent than in an the midst of an unhappy relationship, and with a father who is a bad role, irresponsible and inconsistent.

There are other things that bother me. For example, his father constantly swears and uses really bad, sometimes even racist language in front of our son. I detest that. I don't want him growing up thinking it's ok to talk like that.

And he has never worked in his life. I want our son to have the best possible life, but if all he has never had that influence on his life, then how will he be able to build a decent life for himself?
A few months ago, I left his father, but unfotunately after receiving threats and emotional blackmail from him that I just wasn't prepared for, I took him back.
The thing is I just can't cope with upsetting people. I hate being responsible for someone's hurt and upset, all I want to do is make it better. And I'm starting to realise that my partner knows that about me, and takes full advantage.
He swore blind he would change, he wouldn't steal from me again, he'd stop drinking and taking drugs, he'd start treating me with respect, he'd be a good role to our son. For a few weeks he actually surprised me and I was starting to think I might have been wrong about him. He's been really helpful around the house and with our son, he was responsible with money and appeared not to be drinking.
But now I think things are slipping back to the way they were. Today I realised he'd taken quite a bit of money out of my account (which normally means drinking or drugs) and later that day I noticed the smell of alcohol on him. And whilst he's obviously been trying to be calm and nice to me, a few times the mask has slipped and he's started shouting over nothing at all.

I know now that this relationship has no future. I just need to get the tools I need to leave. I'm going to get some counselling from a local Women's Aid, and some assertiveness and self-esteem training. Women's Aid are also going to help me draw up a safe leaving plan.
I know I can do it, but I want to make sure that when I do, it's final. The thing is, I know I need to be prepared for him being extremely upset and even threatening and I need to know that if I'm being treated badly I have the right to walk away.
It's going to be difficult but thinking of my son will keep me going through all this. I want a better future for him.
And I'm starting to realise that I want a better future for me too. I'm still very young and yet I've spent my adult life so far in unhappy exploitative relationships with much older men.

I've worked so hard to get free of drugs, and now I'm there I want to leave all traces of my old life behind me. Drugs feel like such a distant, remote part of my past now. I guess losing my son was in some ways the ultimate test and if anything was going to drive me back to drugs, that was. But it didn't and I feel proud of myself for that. I can honestly say that I couldn't be less interested in drugs now.
There are so many things I want from my life, and for my son, and if I stay with my current partner, I won't achieve them.
I think what I really need now is some time on my own (with my son obviously) - with no partner. I need some time to get to know myself again, and to enjoy my own and my son's company. I've literally spent all my adult life in relationships - I feel this real need to have some time on my own, so I can be my own person.
At the moment I'm unemployed, on benefits living in a really rough area. I want to get educated (I've already signed up for an Open University course), I want to get back into work, I want to provide for my son and for him to live in a nice house in a nice area and go to a good school. And when  or if I eventually do get into  another relationship, I want it to be with someone who is kind, respectful, considerate and a good role model for my son. I know all those things are achievable.

In many ways I feel quite excited and positive about the future. I have so much in my life to feel thankful for.  I just have to start taking the first steps in the right direction.

Hey everyone

I haven't updated in a while quite a bit has happened since then.

As you know from my journal,I made an attempt to leave my partner. Unfortunately it wasn't succesfull. I asked him to leave, which he did at first, but then he called me all night and the phone calls got worse and worse. It started with "My life is over, there's no point in doing anything, or seeing my son I might as well go to jail" and got worse and worse when I didn't give in. In the end he made a really bad threat which terrified me so I agreed he could come back. Then when he came home he appeared really upset and said how much he loved me etc and it made me feel sorry for him. He promised to change, of course. But after taking him back, a few days later things were back to normal. I feel stupid for listening to him.

But I guess I wasn't prepared or ready for all the emotional blackmail, and for him getting really upset and making threats.  I found that very difficult to cope with. I remember my partner saying to me once "Your problem is that people see your kindness as a weakness". I think he was referring to the way he sees me, because he is constantly taking advantage of my trusting nature.

Now I have got to the point where I feel very little for my partner. Certainly, I don't love him. I feel this constant simmering resentment and anger. And above all I feel this huge longing just to be on my own. Well on my own but with my son obviously.

I think that is a step forward, because for years I was terrified of being on my own - In fact I have been in relationships solidly since I was 16. To me anything was better than being alone.  But right now all I want is some time alone to get to know myself again. I actually enjoy and feel happy and relaxed in my own company now.

I just want to get my head together and prepare myself for leaving.

I've read a book called Why does he do that?: Inside the minds of angry and controlling men by Lundy Bancroft. I highly recommend it to any woman in an abusive relationship - It's really helped me understand the way my partner's mind work, the way he manipulates me, and it's helping me not feel guilty about wanting better for myself. It has also helped me understand the difference between a man who is genuinely changing, and one who is just pretending to change.

Some more news - I'm pregnant. It's very early days so we'll see how it goes. I  have mixed feelings. It was a huge shock - me and my partner rarely have sex anymore. And I am worried  because this is my fourth pregnancy, but due to SIDS and miscarriage, I only have one child, so I can't help feeling that something will go wrong. But my Due Date is the same date as my little angel's birthday so I have taken that as a sign he is watching over my pregnancy.

I'm feeling like I'm at a crossroads at the moment, and desperately wanting to change my life and start heading in the right direction.

Just another quick message to say thanks so much everyone for your support, thanks Coffeelady for your hug x

I've just made a memorial page for Jay:

http://jay.clarke.gonetoosoon.org/

I will write more later xx