walkingthewhiteline's Journal

It doesn't really matter, because there is nothing I can do about it.

I realized that I am approaching three years without pay.

No one owes me anything-but I  don't even have an allowance I can depend on.

My husband gives me the money for the week, but that is for gas, food, the kids, the animals, and so on.

I am a giver not a taker.

I have asked three people for an allowance.  You can't ask just anyone.  Money is something you can only share with someone you are intimately involved with.

I asked my mom if she could give me $20 a month. 

She said she couldn't afford it.  In the end, she gives me over $20 dollars a month.  She just issues it out in a twenty or a ten or a few buck out of the blue.

I asked my husband for an allowance.

He said he would give me one, but it is inconsistant.  A few times he has given me a hundred dollars out of the blue.  Other times he will give me twenty.  It doesn't really matter because it becomes blurred in with the weekly money.

I asked a friend.

Afterwards I felt really bad.  I just shouldn't have asked him.

What I have come to realize is it is not the amount of money that is the biggest issue for me, but the inconsistancy.

I was used to getting paid each month.  Sometimes the bills or my husband would take all of the money, but I knew I could count on that check at the end of the month.  I have always been able to count on that check.  At times in my life, I could spend freely and at other times every cent had a place to go.  Obviously I enjoyed the spend freely time better.

WHAT I HAVE TOTALLY LOST IS THE CONSISTANT, I KNOW I'M GETTING SOMETHING ON A CERTAIN DATE.

Yes, it's nice when my husband suprises me with money.  Yes, it's nice when my mom says I've got a ten for you if someone stops by for it.

IT HAS BEEN THE INCONSISTANCY THAT HAS THROWN ME OVER THE EDGE.

I have so much going on in my life that is crazy and horrible just like other people.

I think one of the reasons I am fighting this idea of suicide this time is mainly because of going so long without pay.  I can't work.  They increase my meds. and nothing happens to improve really.  It is my situation that brings about sorrow.  I'm fighting a good fight.  God is blessing me with sweet suprises that keep me focus on staying out of that suicide brain wave.  My children helped so much this weekend.  They are the most wonderful things in my life after God-of course.  They had moments where they were just total gems this weekend.

I thank God for what I have.  I accept what I don't.  I'm just glad I figured out it wasn't the amount of money that has been bothering me, but the loss of that special day-pay day.  Pay days are special even if the bills take them all.  It's still obviously something that really affects your self worth and mind in ways I don't really understand.