Alison868's Journal

I wish I had more time to visit Daily Strength but with a 3 year-old, work, and managing daily life by myself....well, there's just not enough time in each day.  I'm feeling so stressed today because of Anna (just being a normal toddler) and I'm so tired and I'm exhausted from having to feel my terrible feelings about my husband.  Every minute of every day it is there...my husband is dead and I can't do anything about it.  I'm so sad and angry at the same time and filled with regrets over the things I wish I had done or said.  It might not have made any difference but I still wish I had done them.  I have moments where I feel okay and optimistic about the future, and then I feel blindsided when out of nowhere, my mood changes and I want to hide from the world.  I constantly talk to God and ask for help and guidance.  Seven weeks ago today my husband changed our lives forever.  It makes me so mad that a huge decision was made about my life without my knowledge or consent.  I have struggled with the debate over whether suicide is selfish or not.  My current position is that perhaps in some cases it is, and in other cases it's not.  In my case, I can't deny that I feel he was very selfish.  He didn't try any treatment other than some time spent on an antidepressant.  He rarely shared with me his internal struggles, and in his suicide note to me, he expressed that he wished he could have figured out a way to take this pain from me.  He knew this would cause me great pain.  It would be so much easier to forgive him if he had tried everything possible to get help, but he didn't even come close.  He said in his note that he had lived for a long time with the "lingering realization" that his life would end early.  Yet he kept that from me and chose to involve me in his life, create a family, and then he bailed.  I lost my own father when I was 9 years old.  My mother was a single mother for a while doing it all on her own.  And now, the cycle continues.  Now I am a single mother with one daughter (like my own mother) having to face each day and be strong for her.  I worry that I will never have a stable, loving relationship where I won't be abandoned.  Time to focus on work and hopefully my mood will improve.