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Alison868 
7:55am Wednesday
Wow, it has been way too long since I journaled on here, and I am feeling the need to do so. Actually I am forcing myself to journal and reach out to my DS friends. This week has been hard grief-wise with so much sadness, regrets, anger, and frustration. Most days I have periods of time where I feel like I can not summon an ounce of energy to get things done, but I force myself to do them anyway. Several people know how busy I stay and about my home projects, yet they would never know what a struggle it is sometimes to complete tasks. Yesterday I allowed myself to do nothing and I became a zombie most of the day in front of the tv. I am just so exhausted thinking about my husband every single day....all that will never be, how he abandoned us. We will be moving at some point next year, but more and more there are days when I want to flee from this town and this home where there are so many negative memories. I never wanted to move here. I want to be in a home where there are no memories of him. It's funny how sometimes I can't wait to get back to this home like it's a refuge, and other times I feel like this place is my prison. My heart aches every day for my daughter who will never have her father again. It's so wrong. I pray the sun will come out soon...all this rain and dreariness is not helping.
Comments
I have gotten too far away from DailyStrength with all the busyness of daily life. I am doing okay and some days are pretty good and other days are just so heavy with sadness. I have so many moments of not being able to believe this is real. I miss my husband so much. I have been working just part-time since this tragedy and last week I resigned completely. I am going to take some much-needed time for myself. My work is mentally and emotionally draining and I was already so burned out before my husband died. I feel very at peace with this decision. I just wish I could turn back the hands of time. There are so many things I would do differently, but there would be no guarantee of adifferent outcome. It's so hard to adjust to your husband's suicide and most every waking moment is consumed by thoughts of him. It's exhausting and inescapable. I long for the day when this will not hurt anymore. Anna and I are going to Florida to visit my family and hopefully I'll have a great time.
This day has been another blah feeling kind of day. I seem to mostly feel this way when I'm really tired. However, today, Anna and I have a birthday party to go to this evening and it makes me even more aware that my husband will not be with us to enjoy it. He was with us last year at the party for the same person. There will be people there I have not seen this tragedy occurred so I'm sure they will want to offer their condolences. I really just don't want to go but I am forcing myself to go and live life...not hide away from it. It's quite an uncomfortable feeling. I try to make myself smile (as they say, fake it til you make it) when I am very aware of how hard I am frowning. It's not very easy to do. I hate feeling like I don't belong anywhere anymore. Where we live now is a place I never wanted to move to but my husband took a job here. I have visited other places where I have lived and I still feel that same feeling...just lost. I guess that will change in time.
Comments
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I know this feeling only to well. I'm very proud of you for forcing yourself to go. It's very hard, especially in the very beginning. I still wonder where I belong, but it does get easier. Give yourself time.
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Oh, Alison. That is exactly how I feel. Lost. I feel like an outsider looking into other people's lives...since I feel like I've lost my own. Hang in there...I think of you often....
Jeannie
Past Entries
| June 2009 |
Wednesday, 6/24
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I am so sorry that you are struggling lately. Try to think of it this way "this is just a moment in time, it is not the rest of my life". It is a helpful tool to get through each day. Start thinking of your move and making plans that way. . a moving on sort of thing. Good luck. Shirley
Shurfee
Thanks Shirley! There is no telling how many times I have told myself this terrible time is temporary. I'll have to keep on telling myself that. I think of my move every day and I am working on some projects around the house to prepare to put my house on the market next spring. If the rain would stop then my landscapers could get to work! I'm getting out of the house today to try to perk myself up. Hope you have a good day.
Alison868
I so feel your sadness and totally understand about the house. I am sure you had some good memories there as well, sadly it is always the bad one that prevail. Continue keeping busy and focussing on Ana. We have to be strong for our kids. Love you, big hugs. kim
madre1