NDifferent's Journal

Hey gang!

 Just wanted to drop a note to ZZZjoy and the rest of my friends here on DS including Aries, Notagain and finishiline. I miss you guys. I know, i know, I talk to some of you nearly daily, but i still miss you. I haven't had good days the last two days. In fact, they have been some of the worst for me, but there has been some good. I think i finally reached a point where i not only know (mentally, logically) that i have to talk in depth about things with my counselor but that i have actually come to believe this is the only way i can get better and heal. I am so tired of feeling the way i do. it's awful. i always knew the mind was powerful, but i never knew what a hold it can have over someone. i feel like my mind has turned on me. It is now my own worst enemy and I have to fight with every last ounce I have left in me. I have been trampled so much that I have felt and come close to giving up esp. on myself, but somehow there is something in me that is just barely strong enough to keep pulling me out of the depths of the hell i feel like i have partly created myself. it's as if i have to keep getting to what i think is my lowest point before i can get that strength back to want to fight. That barline for the lowest point keeps getting moved lower and lower. If i can force myself to do the one goal i have been set for this week, i think the talking will be easier for me. i have to get it out on paper first. i haven't been able to even deal with it in that way, so until i do, i certainly won't be able to talk about it. the main thing is i have to stop pretending that i'm alright, that i'm ok., that i can keep doing what i've been doing my entire life. i have to stop denying it and start facing it so i can finally conquer it. i know or at least i hope that one day i will look back on this whole experience and think, damn girl you managed to get past something that had such a hold over you, hold your head up and be proud. I sure hope I can do that one day. I know we all have to go through shit sometimes and that rain has to come before the rainbow, but i've felt like i've been in multiple typhoons and hurricanes and that it is my own fault. i will work through it eventually. i really just intending on telling ya'll how much i've missed you and how much your support really means to me. i think if i had not sought counseling and sought you guys out and that ya'll kept in touch with me esp. when i was going to give up on this and forget getting on here you guys pulled me back up out of the quicksand. You guys are really a big reason why i think i haven't totally given up on myself yet. it came so close these last two days and i am still surprised at my willinginess to continue getting up on the horse even though i feel like i get kicked off as soon as i get back up and sometimes stomped in the chest as well. I have come to realize that the power my mind has created over myself has created all the problems i've been struggling with both in the past and now and that certain circumstances created this entire situation. I am surprised every day by something else. I denied that I was in such deep denial. Even when I accepted that I was even in denial that I still passed it off as not "being that bad" not "being that serious". It's time I admit to myself that it has been deep denial, it has been deep damage and it's going to take deep perseverance and deep desire to continue to try to fight this monster. ND