NDifferent's Journal

I have mixed feelings about today. I felt both good and bad throughout today. I think my session continues to get a little better each time. I felt a little more comfortable today and think I ended up talking a little more. The problem I see me having is that I still don't talk about how I feel necessarily. I have talked more in depth about some situations, however, I feel like I skirt around it a bit. Like I may begin to talk about something in the past and then I blow myself off. I get an attitude like "it wasn't that big of a deal" and it comes out in what I say. I'm not sure if my counselor can pick up on it, but my guess is she can. She has picked up on pretty much most things. I try not to be so hard on myself and look at the positives that I have done. I have made progress and I actually believe that now, so that is one step that is good and I should be glad about it, not beating myself up over everything I haven't or can't do just yet. I just...sometimes I just don't feel right at all. I used to feel good and right nearly 100% of the time.  That feeling has long since gone for me. I haven't felt that way in more years than I care to disclose. Sometimes, recently, I have actually been happy or content which is a big improvement. I fight constantly with myself about how I am feeling. I think I struggle so much with things. I think, my god how the hell did my mother's sickeness turn into this mishmash of shit on a plate. Pardon the anaolgy, but I really don't know how else to describe it. Why the hell do I have such a hold on the past? Why the hell can't I let it go? Why the hell can't I grasp it in order to let it go? I feel so weird. I wish I could figure out what exactly it is that I feel and have been feeling. I guess I just have to be patient with myself and let things come as they will. I can't force things. I mean i've been trying that and it hasn't worked so, there ya go. I have so many things to be happy about and thankful for, yet I find myself in such a deep sadness sometimes. I keep saying sometimes, but it is alot. I fight it everyday and every day i can experiecne at least a little happiness which is better than it was. I wish i knew and understood what was behind it all. I have so many things from my past that are creeping up on me and i am so confused by it all. i know all i can do is take it one step at a time and talk about one event or circumstance at a time, but it's driving me crazy. I am so gd impatient with myself. I do try, but i don't think it's good enough. When the hell will I learn???? How many times must it be said? How many times must i remind myself? How many times do I have to do it to learn? Here's a great question: Why the hell do I CARE so damn MUCH about how LONG it takes me? Why???? I"ll tell you why. It's because I continue on a secondly (seconds, not minutes, not daily) basis to compare myself to anyone and everyone regardless of age, sex, color etc. I'm still not 100% sure why i do this, but i do have some ideas now. I HAVE to stop thinking I can't talk about the reasons or circumstances that have led up to my constant comparisons. God! I have talked about certain things, it's the same damn thing! Just fucking words, that's all they are fucking words. It is OKAY! Stop comparing yourself, give yourself the OKAY to heal in your own time. Who's fucking time are you on anyway? I know you realize that every human being is different and everyone goes at different paces. I know you know that! Why do you accept this for everyone but yourself???? Why is it OKAY for everyone but you? Why? It doesn't even make fucking sense. It's not rational, yet you stick to this believe like if you don't believe it all hell will break loose. Damn! Okay. Let's look at it this way: 1) You won't be able to move on until you talk about EVERYTHING that bothers you and EVERY situation 2) You aren't going to be able to stop comparing yourself until you open the hell up and TALK, that's it Talk, just words nothing else 3) Then you can start to think about a solution with your counselor 4) you can't expect yourself to jump right into 3 when you haven't done 1 and 2. Do you feel any better yet? Hopefully, you will one day. ND

p.s. sorry to any readers out there, i tend to talk to myself alot in my journals these days so all the you's and I's etc are all me. me talking to me, about me, fighting with myself. guess it's a plus, i used to just let myself beat the shit out of myself with no care in the world. ND