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Littleoldme 
This is my first entry...and I really don't want it to sound like a big whining festival. I've never liked people feeling sorry for me, or pitying me, or looking at me with "those" eyes...like they are SO glad it didn't happen to them.
But I detest feeling "less than" everyone else...feeling "not normal"...feeling "normal" in my mind yet my body won't cooperate. It really makes me angry and frustrated to not "fit in" with everyone else...to know that I am "different" in a negative way, and especially to have friends HAVE to make concessions on my behalf because I cannot keep up with the group.
And yet there are people who look at me like, "Pfffft...there's nothing wrong with her!" And those people are the ones who seem to feed my anger the most...because it's not like I am a quadraplegic or I have some "obvious and visible" indications of my disabilities. They look at me and judge me "as fit as they are" without having a CLUE as to what a day in my life is like.
I am, and always have been, very good at masking illnesses and physical pain. And of course I always answer "Fine!" when someone asks how I am doing. I guess I figure if I am in an upright position and moving in a forward direction...then I MUST be "fine"...lol.
But 99% of my days are bad...it's just a matter of what "degree of badness" it is for that day.
I have recently discovered why I have such insomnia. And I am sure everyone on this site can attest to the fact that insomnia causes all those aches and pains to intensify, because the body does not have a chance to recuperate from the days activities.
But I have found that I have some sort of "fear" or intense anxiety about being alone with my pain.
You see...if I keep my mind constantly occupied and distracted, then I do not think about how much pain I am in. And when I turn out the lights to go to sleep...it is only me and my pain that are suddenly forced together like sardines in a can...and I cannot escape until my bedtime medications finally kick in and MAKE me fall into a chemically induced state of unconsciousness.
But if I somehow HAD to sit quietly with no distractions...I think I would just go insane listening to the pain and everything it is screaming at me.
There is only so much stress a person can take...and that includes emotional, mental, and physical. And there are days when I feel like I have reached my limit on all three at the same time. But I have resolved to hold the hopeful thought in the back of my mind that maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will be less stressful.
That hopeful thought is such a teeny little glimmer sometimes. And there are days when I really have to search for that pinpoint of light amongst all of the dark and painful thoughts crowding my mind and trying to extinguish my twinkling salvation.
So basically, my goal every waking moment is to find things to distract myself. Things to do that requires so much of my focus that I can effectively ignore my body...and all it's trying to YELL at me. I do have quite a list of distractions that I use, but I'll save that for another entry...lol.
Anyway, that's my 2 cents for today. Perhaps tomorrow will be a good day...or at least a better bad day;)
But I detest feeling "less than" everyone else...feeling "not normal"...feeling "normal" in my mind yet my body won't cooperate. It really makes me angry and frustrated to not "fit in" with everyone else...to know that I am "different" in a negative way, and especially to have friends HAVE to make concessions on my behalf because I cannot keep up with the group.
And yet there are people who look at me like, "Pfffft...there's nothing wrong with her!" And those people are the ones who seem to feed my anger the most...because it's not like I am a quadraplegic or I have some "obvious and visible" indications of my disabilities. They look at me and judge me "as fit as they are" without having a CLUE as to what a day in my life is like.
I am, and always have been, very good at masking illnesses and physical pain. And of course I always answer "Fine!" when someone asks how I am doing. I guess I figure if I am in an upright position and moving in a forward direction...then I MUST be "fine"...lol.
But 99% of my days are bad...it's just a matter of what "degree of badness" it is for that day.
I have recently discovered why I have such insomnia. And I am sure everyone on this site can attest to the fact that insomnia causes all those aches and pains to intensify, because the body does not have a chance to recuperate from the days activities.
But I have found that I have some sort of "fear" or intense anxiety about being alone with my pain.
You see...if I keep my mind constantly occupied and distracted, then I do not think about how much pain I am in. And when I turn out the lights to go to sleep...it is only me and my pain that are suddenly forced together like sardines in a can...and I cannot escape until my bedtime medications finally kick in and MAKE me fall into a chemically induced state of unconsciousness.
But if I somehow HAD to sit quietly with no distractions...I think I would just go insane listening to the pain and everything it is screaming at me.
There is only so much stress a person can take...and that includes emotional, mental, and physical. And there are days when I feel like I have reached my limit on all three at the same time. But I have resolved to hold the hopeful thought in the back of my mind that maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will be less stressful.
That hopeful thought is such a teeny little glimmer sometimes. And there are days when I really have to search for that pinpoint of light amongst all of the dark and painful thoughts crowding my mind and trying to extinguish my twinkling salvation.
So basically, my goal every waking moment is to find things to distract myself. Things to do that requires so much of my focus that I can effectively ignore my body...and all it's trying to YELL at me. I do have quite a list of distractions that I use, but I'll save that for another entry...lol.
Anyway, that's my 2 cents for today. Perhaps tomorrow will be a good day...or at least a better bad day;)
