prachelle's Journal

Well, the flirting felt good. I’m ready for flirting, sort of. I know I shouldn’t date until 2011. And, I’ll try to comply. But, hey, I like the idea of sex. Yikes. How shallow and dangerous (and adventurous is that)?

I’m getting bad vibes about the ‘interesting guy’ I've been flirting with. Not abuse vibes. But irresponsibility vibes. And nerdy/needy vibes. What do I know about socializing? Not much. What do I know about my gut? Enough. Gut reactions are good. Mine says 'not right.'  He's likely to get attached. Eww.

I’ve been gathering information and measuring it against my perceptions. Is he a “bad boy”? No. Am I rebelling against “bad boys” and flirting with someone weird? Maybe.

What’s weird – nice? Thoughtful? Talkative? Self promoting? Too self aware? Dangerous? Or just weird.

After all, my “bad boy” was way-successful in the outside world. Totally impressive as a date. If I met another man who came across like him … I’d be smitten. Because I wouldn’t know the dark side yet. Reality check here … Big money, big paranoia, big abuse. Are those connected? His complete need for complete control? And, his ability to translate it into money?

Sounds like the girl just doesn’t trust. Doesn’t trust men. But, hello, she trusts her gut. It’s saying ‘Stop flirting. He's a weird choice.'

I worry that I’m a snob. And, I know I don’t like going outside my culture zone. And, why would I? Ah, but where is that comfort zone … and how much of it is comfortable. But, I wouldn’t pick him as a girlfriend, if he were a girl. DING, DING, DING … there’s the answer.

But, since he’s flirting, is he getting nervous and flustered? I can't tell if he's morphing or my perceptions are morphing. Do I have bad judgment? Good judgment?

The good thing? I don't have to decide.

But, I’m not shopping for a husband. This isn’t like dating when you’re 20 and looking for someone to start a family, share a house and responsibilities. I’m shopping for fun and learning my way back socially. I'd settle for a hug from a nice guy.

Would I double date with friends? No. I’d be worried his nerdiness is based on delusion. Or, am I paranoid? Wow. I thought I’d know if I was. Gut? No. I worry he make have some idealistic delusions.

FLIRTING GUY CHALLENGE 1 … He’s 50. Without a real job. Period. In fact, he’s doing door-to-door sales … calling it new technology and then direct TV. Five weeks in Texas to do that. Sharing a small hotel room. Studying. And selling in neighborhoods. Claims he makes decent money working a few hours a day.  That sounds like multi-level marketing. And, in my world, multi-level marketing is creepy, cult-like, full of false promises and exploitive. Ewwww. I suppose I can ask him directly if that’s what he’s doing. But … yuk. And, I don't even want to talk about that.

His story? He was in environmental administration for 20 years. (I like and understand that work). Frustrated with city politics he left. (Understandable). Went into sales. (Cool) Now he’s studying for a bachelor’s in environmental science. (Cool) Job market sucks. (Sure)

My instincts question bachelor’s degree online. And, I’d feel a little weird telling my friends. Because they’d be skeptical. Because I’m skeptical. Bad sign. I’m not a snob. This is just odd.

FLIRTING GUY CHALLENGE 2 – Divorced twice. My initial reaction is to be wary divorced guys. Then, DUH, I’m getting divorced. I’m not 17 … I’m 45. This is the world I live in now. Claims one of the wives was abusive. Still friends with one. Grandpa to her grandkids. But, two-time divorced? Do I judge?

FLIRTING GUY CHALLENGE 3 – Religion … met at a retreat. Our conversations flow from Bible to science and back again. He seems far more devout than I. And, a little eccentric with his science approach. Likewise I’ve bounced back and forth in my theories. But, I think mine are peppered with BS. He’s pretty sure of the faith. I don’t know if I can be that sure. Or want to be that sure. Whoa. I have no clue what I'm talking about here.

FLIRTING GUY CHALLENGE …

OK. It’s the job thing. I’m making up some of the rest. And, some of it, I'm not. But, it’s really about the job thing. And my fear, as Sonia says, may violate the rule "Never date someone with more problems than yourself."

The nice guy routine. Is it nice guy or weird guy? Damn. That’s why I’m questioning myself. I  know I’m not ready. As much as I like flirting.

But what does one date hurt? Bored? Don't know.