prachelle's Journal

I changed my avatar today.

I LOVE the glamour of Audrey Hepburn as Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany's. I love the book, the movie, the cat.

Thinking through the movie ... I don't want to be Holly. I knew her glamour was just a cover ... but it was more than I had. Well, I already have more.

IN THE MOVIE Holly says "The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?"

ME: I don't have the mean reds anymore. Just the blues. I don't know if I'm immune to the mean reds ... but I'm setting a new record for not having them.

IN THE MOVIE Holly says:  He's all right! Aren't you, cat? Poor cat! Poor slob! Poor slob without a name! The way I see it I haven't got the right to give him one. We don't belong to each other. We just took up one day by the river. I don't want to own anything until I find a place where me and things go together. I'm not sure where that is but I know what it is like. It's like Tiffany's.

ME: I no longer feel that need to cut off my feelings and not belong to anyone. At least I no longer find that intriguing and familiar. I find it incredibly sad. And, I don't want to feel like that. 

IN THE MOVIE Paul chastises Holly:  You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself

ME: That is a danger ... becoming the 'wild thing' to avoid pain. I won't. I won't let the dead marriage do that to do. I will recover from the pain, avoid the cage and seek happiness.

So, I had to change my avatar.

I chose the Eiffel Tower because it's tall, proud, adventurous (for a girl from a small mid-western town), romantic, seems literary, a marvel of engineering, a celebration ... and has something to do with my name.

I'm celebrating myself.

I've been thinking about a new movie character to be... but I can't think of one. Maybe I just want to be me.

Trouble is, I don't know who that is ... or who I want that to be.

Guess it'll be fun to find out. I may watch a bunch of movies anyway!

Hugs to me.