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prachelle 
12:05pm
My departure delayed by nearly five days or so.
My attorney filed papers on Wednesday. Judged signed and gave them back on Thursday. Alas, she crossed out the part about making him vacate. That means we'd both live here. And the temporary custody stuff. Instead she set a hearing for July 13.
I'm not serving papers until closer to that date. Our schedule is complicated this week ... going on vacation as a family (yuk).
I am worried. I have to let go of teh need to control this process. If something goes wrong I'll just run to the neighbors. And, if needed, call the cops. He's never been physically violent. I read Lundy Bancroft's book, so I'm prepared in case he is this time.
I have to let go of my need to control the process. I have to let go of my need to control the process. I have to trust the process, my attorney and the universe.
I've had so many "signs" that this is the right thing to do.
While family vacations often suck, it will remove us from this environment and he'll be calmer. Or not. He's often an angry SOB on vacation. We'll see.
BUT, it will remove us from our regular life ... and the mail. Which could tattle on me for all my deception.
I've done a lot of irrevocable things this week ... moved two joint accounts into three accounts -- at three different banks -- in my name only. That's my maiden name ... the "alias" I use for business and much of my life. They'll be harder to track that way. I'm not "stealing" them and will return them during the process. But this way he can't STEAL them from me. I have leverage.
With my attorney's endorsement, I've also spent money - a laptop and a few more things. I bought pay-as-you-go cellphones for the boys, paid (music, soccer) lessons a few months in advance, shoes for the boys, new clothes for the boys. I may even buy D10's rental trombone.
Oh, and I did the photoshoot D12 has wanted for ever. We haven't done those crappy school pictures or anything else for a few years. We took his guitar to two locations and a photo did the shots. One set were against a crumbly brick wall with a fire escape. The other in front a train trestle wtih a "raffiti'd" pillar. They are album-cover awesome. Then, I gave the photographer a chunk of change against future orders. That will also cover a shoot for D10.
Unlike many people, we're lucky to have the financial resources. Of course, he keeps me on a short leash financially. I won't bore anyone with the details. But spending "his" money like this is a big F_ _ _ You.
I've done budget's at least six times to help us agree ... but he refuses to deal with a budget. It removes too much control for him.
Alas, I'm a TERRIBLE liar. And, feel like two people. I can't resolve this and it's awful feeling like this.
I'm also having the boys lie about four things. That's hard for them ... and makes me feel soooooo sad teaching them to lie.
I need to relinquish control to the universe. I'm ready. I need to relinquish control.
Keep my eyes on next week.
Comments
Prach....There is a whole lot of stuff here!!!!
First, you are wise to wait. Our process in CT wouldn't have allowed this...When you file, you have to have the sheriff hand deliver the papers before the judge ever rules on anything....before the first court date. I was already moved out, so I wasn't fearful of him, but his response was to buy my son a new cell phone and refuse to give me the number. And our courts were so backed up, we couldn't get a court date for 2 months. I like your way much better.
I like that you took care of all the kids financial things, and in advance, because he may try to use that financial control to come at you thru your kids...this will keep that down to a minimum. My ex became more and more financially abusive...hiding 10's of $1000's of $$$$ while we had no oven, no dishwasher, the walls were soot-covered from a basement fire.....I'm very glad that you were pro-active in moving stuff around so you can access it.
As for the lying...we ALL had to lie. It is how we survived.....my son also lied to his father. Hell, we couldn't even go to Dunkin Donuts without making sure we got rid of all traces of it in my car before we came home. But I will tell you, that now, that we are free of him...I KNOW my son does not lie to me, nor I to anyone, I think your boys know deep inside that they are doing it to keep the elephant in the room from stampeding, and when the need is gone, so will the lying be....don't worry too much about it. I used to tell my son, when he lived w/ his dad, "You do what you have to do to survive, just make sure you are straight with me always." He pretty much did....
The control thing, well....remember, that those in charge of the process are not up to speed w/ you and who you are married to. It takes them time to realize. You have to take each day, each hearing, each obstacle, and overcome it, one at a time. If he fights the custody thing, you will most likely get assigned a GAL, and he will not know who to believe at first. My ex always got to these people first, the GAL, the court ordered co-parenting dr., and they were very schmoozed by him. So my advice is when these people come into your life, make sure YOU are the first one to get to them, and bring with you all the documentation of who he is. Like your journals, etc.
It will be ok. What you are doing is right, and it will turn out the way it should. I have believed that right along, and so far....I haven't been disappointed. What you are doing is really fighting the classic battle of good vs. evil, and I know you will win....you will get your life, and your boys life back. Write a petition to the universe, and post it here! We'll all sign it.....
Hugs...
hockeymom5592
Wow. You're awesome. I feel empowered by your words. I CAN do this
prachelle
Keep your chin up hun,we're all rooting for you!
Cherry09