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prachelle 
10:28pm, November 13, 2009
I feel like I’m in the clothing department of a big retailer. Instead of tops and bottoms, I’m taking a collection of ideas into the dressing room where I'll try them on. These include ideas about life, sex, affection, relationships, friends, hobbies, home décor, hobbies, fun, religion, child rearing, etc. To continue the analogy, I’ve collected ideas in red, green, blue, yellow; S,M,L, one-size fits all.
I try on each idea in front of the mirror. Then, I go to another store. And, try on what’s there.
I especially like this metaphor because I rearrange my "regular" closet -- adding new shoes, discarding a out-of-style jacket, etc.When my life was rocked – even though I chose it – the life-closet emptied out quickly. I kept only the core items.
Now, I feel urgency to organize/fill that closet. I feel a lot of 'nakedness' in my head/heart/body. And, I need the right clothes for the new climate. I need the right values for the structure and definition that shape my decisions and daily life.
Somehow the idea of men got into my figurative dressing room. Ha, ha. I didn't want them there, but they are. Perhaps, because that's where I need the most healing.
About everything ... I must remind myself that I'm not shopping for a uniform that will fit forever and ever. I'm shopping for 'right now' and something that I'll want to wear for a while. When it comes to men, that becomes a huge vulnerability. (But that's an entirely different conversation)
I guess it’s about being well-dressed. I wouldn’t go somewhere wearing just pants or just a shirt or just shoes. I wouldn't buy a DD bra for my B breasts. Perhaps some of this is about size, ;)' as well as style, fabric, season, fit … just like clothes.
I guess the good thing is, you can always return clothes/ideas. You can always accept the mistake and buy something new.
And on and on with that metaphor.
I try on each idea in front of the mirror. Then, I go to another store. And, try on what’s there.
I especially like this metaphor because I rearrange my "regular" closet -- adding new shoes, discarding a out-of-style jacket, etc.When my life was rocked – even though I chose it – the life-closet emptied out quickly. I kept only the core items.
Now, I feel urgency to organize/fill that closet. I feel a lot of 'nakedness' in my head/heart/body. And, I need the right clothes for the new climate. I need the right values for the structure and definition that shape my decisions and daily life.
Somehow the idea of men got into my figurative dressing room. Ha, ha. I didn't want them there, but they are. Perhaps, because that's where I need the most healing.
About everything ... I must remind myself that I'm not shopping for a uniform that will fit forever and ever. I'm shopping for 'right now' and something that I'll want to wear for a while. When it comes to men, that becomes a huge vulnerability. (But that's an entirely different conversation)
I guess it’s about being well-dressed. I wouldn’t go somewhere wearing just pants or just a shirt or just shoes. I wouldn't buy a DD bra for my B breasts. Perhaps some of this is about size, ;)' as well as style, fabric, season, fit … just like clothes.
I guess the good thing is, you can always return clothes/ideas. You can always accept the mistake and buy something new.
And on and on with that metaphor.
Comments
All of x2b's BS is messing with D1's head. D1 starts stressing out and says he doesn't know if life is worth living. It sounds like some kind of danger sign to me. So, I make therapy appt. Dad wants to take him so I won't use it against him in court. Great. Take him. Dad skips therapy appointment.
Do I know why he skipped it? NO. Do I care why? NO.
This is a child in pain and need.
WHAT THE FUCK is his father doing!
Comments
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Sigh, that is EXACTLY the sort of thing I'm afraid of with mine. My little guy is too small yet, but he won't be forever ...
I'm so sorry for you, and sorrier still for your kids. They really are pricks.
I don't know how you stand letting them have time with him and still stay sane. It scares the crap outta me. I guess all you can do is hang in there and keep doing the best you can.
Oh and as for using it against him in court? Like mine, he's aimed the gun at his own foot by not turning up.
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Wow, another excuse why he should not have 50/50 custody. He is unable to put his kid first or even to take care of him...how horrible and what a total douche.
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I'm sorry your son is suffering and his dad is only making it worse. they guys use their kids for their own needs.
I've been writing about this guy. I'm still thinking, thinking, thinking. Process, process.
It seems to go like this ...
1) Guy flirts at a Catholic retreat. I don't notice. He emails. I realize he's been flirting.
2) We talk via email ... about where God and science connect. Oh, that's deep and meaningful and testing values. I feel like I'm in college again.
All via email/text/phone. He's out of town for six weeks.
3) We talk about books. Smart guy. I like that.
4) We talk about mutual interests ... many. I feel like I'm in college. That "I was going to say that" feeling.
5) We almost talk about relationships. Well, a little revelation about past relationships. Not much. A bit of a dance. I don't want to know too much or share too much. Too much information right now that takes the fun away.
6) By week three, we flirt outrageously. It's playful. We're GOOD at that.
I've been through this in my journal over and over. It's weird how each reflection is different from the last. How a little new information or experiencing different feelings changes my perception.
At first, I was so excited about him. Someone saw me. Someone heard me. Someone was interested in me just because I seemed interesting. Someone was flirting with me.
He reminded me I'm alive. Yay. I almost feel I owe him something. Not sex. Just gratitude.
But, I shouldn't be surprised that a single guy is flirting with me. I'm good enough to get attention. Not pretty, but cute. Yay. That's a new one for me. I would NEVER thought that two months ago.
Now I'm thinking about standards. First guy who flirts with me ... and I get all excited.
He's a nice, intellectual guy with good values. Who has a door-to-door sales job, is in school and went bankrupt in his divorce.
This isn't really the point. I had no plans of man-interest. Now my feelings/body say otherwise. I'm not dead yet. And, now I have the need to determine what I want from dating, what kind of guy to date. And, how to handle it. I don't have to jump at the first guy who sends me a nice email and expresses interest. I'm just so flattered, I've gone blind.
I am worthy of attention, affection, etc. I don't have to cling to the first opportunity.
I'm awake. I'm alive. I'm not dead yet.
Didn't expect that so soon.
Standards! Standards.
I'm a nice, attractive gal with good values. And, a comfortable situation.
Past Entries
Excellent analogy!
ExMrsK
I really like this metaphor...whilst going through the recovery and healing process I think we all "try on" new ideas, new identities. It is fun and exciting to have so many possibilities and to not have any negative people messing with our "closet". Good for you, hon!
wvartgirl
this is a really good metaphor...Dang it is really wonderful to be able to think a thought, an try it on , and not have the immediate invalidation of the abuser. (It wasn't their idea, so it wasn't valid, or it was your idea so it was stupid....) You're moving along....Good for you.
Hugs
hockeymom5592