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wildbill5717 
8:14am Thursday
Well, here I am at 6 months on this journey with no map, no schedule, no destination. The shock of her death is over. The disbelief is over. The reality and finality of her death is just beginning. The lonliness is unbearable at times. The grave visit one month ago was horrible. Everyone else has gotten over it (except my sons and mother-in-law), and now I must travel this road alone for the most part. Yes, I've come a long way in 6 months, but I have a longer way to go. The best part of my day is my evening cigar and glass of scotch. The emotional roller-coaster is real. I still can't pray - guess I'm still mad at God (funny, I thought I was above that). However, all that said, I am just beginning to adjust to being alone. I may just get to like this single life. I'm on the 1-year plan now, an new place with a 1 year lease, and i'll re-evaluate after that. All of my friends on DS have been a tremendous help to me - thank you all very much, and I hope I have been a little help to some of you. Right now I think I'll go fishing.
Love,
Bill
Comments
Hi Bill. . . you seem to be doing as well as can be expected. just enjoy life and be good to yourself. Shirley
Shurfee
Bill, The feelings you are experiencing tend to be normal. There is a new normal life style that you will eventually settle into and the deep sadness will dissipate as time passes. You will still miss her that's for sure but it will ease - I promise - as time passes.
This year I am teaching a Grief share class in church but it is open to anyone in town. First, if you need to ask me anything, please do not hesitate and second, I would suggest that you see if you can locate where a Griefshare class is taught near you. If you want, I have access to all churches and organizations that offer it, so if you want I can find out the nearest facility to you. Just let me know. I promise it will be a big help.
Ernie
Earn
When our baby died, I was so horribly mad at the LORD (I too thought I was above that) that I figured I lost my faith too and I was really at the lowest point in my life. Finally, after wallowing for awhile, a good friend asked me one day how I was. Well, it's a good thing he was a good friend because I let him have it....I ranted and raved at him because of how mad I was at God! He just simply stood there (we were in the dairy section of the grocery store) and listened until I was spent. His words were the start of my healing. He said, "You haven't lost your faith. You can't possibly be that mad at someone or something and not believe in them. Secondly, He's a really big God. He's our Abba (daddy in Hebrew). He can take it."
I hope this may be of help to you as well. It really is ok to be mad at the LORD. He understands and He will listen whenever you want to talk.
Blessings to you,
Janet
Beab
Hang in there Bill. You do not spend a life time with someone and stop missing them in six months. the book that helped me was through a season of Grief. It it explains the steps of grief, I think there are five, it seems like you have went through three and headed for the fourth. You may not feel like praying but God can hear what is in your Heart. God will never leave you.
Christine
Phil 4:13
Here is something that helps me when I am down. I don't know if it has been posted on here before but here it is.
AND GOD SAID...."
I said, "God, I hurt."
And God said, I know."
I said, "God, I cry a lot."
And God said, "That is why I gave you tears."
I said, "God, I am so depressed."
And God said, "That is why I gave you Sunshine."
I said, "God, life is so hard."
And God said, "That is why I gave you loved ones."
I said, "God, my loved one died."
And God said, "So did mine."
I said, "God, it is such a loss."
And God said, I saw mine nailed to a cross."
I said, "God, but your loved one lives."
And God said, "So does yours."
I said, "God, where are they now?"
And God said, "Mine is on My right and yours is in the Light."
I said, "God, it hurts."
And God said, I know."
Posted on the wall at the
Oklahoma City bombing site
by K. C. and Myke Kuzmic
Stockton, CA
sadheart56
Bill - fishing sounds like as good a plan as any for right now. The single thing? Well, every marriage is a compromise, on everything from decor to food. Doing when I want, when I want, in my own home is, yes, something I've gotten used to doing. In fact, I feel it's necessary for me to have a place where it's just about me. But there's no roadmap for the sadness. I tough it out, and then there's times, like today, when I come home and want to do NOTHING. I'll join you in thought tonite when you have your scotch, and I have my wine - Hugs, Marsha
marjoe
Hi Bill, You sound like you are doing okay.Claire would be happy that you were able to get to this point. Robert passed away 7 months ago today.I am almost finsihed with organizing my house. You are probably all moved out by now. I wish you well. Keep on doing what you are doing.
Christine26
hey bill, i am stayin put here, dont know if it is helping or hurting, but i just cant get up and leave, not after 24 years, and raising both our kids here, in this house,, sometimes, i cant stand to be here, and when i am away, all i want to do is be at home, its crazy,..not to mention, the house is almost paid for, and i probley cant sell it for anything deceient right now, so i have decided to stay put. i have organized the house some, but i havent even touched her closet, or dressers ill get to it,..hope you are feeling better, your friend, dave
zues
I really idetified with your line about the shock and disbelief being over and the reality and finality just beginning. It took me nine months to get here. It's a dreadful feeling. Not as raw but so dreary and dark at times. I have never felt so low as reality sets in and my heart catches up with my mind. It just feels so punishing. I do have better days and the black ones are further apart. I guess that's progress. I do pray. Not as much as I should. But when I do I feel Gods comfort and assurance all is well with David.
tskks