ashvannah1107's Journal

Well, Its the 3rd of july and tomorrow I have to have my first 4th of July without Savannah! Last year I know she was only 8 months old but very smart she loved the fireworks and I even taught her how to hold a sprakler with the help of me of corse! I just miss her so much and then I have to be preggo with all of these emotions too! I don't even want to watch the fireworks! I know that she'd want me to though for her and maybe she will be there with me! I just want her to be here so badly. I would trade anything to have her with me again and running and playing and saying everything was hers! We had so much fun and I just want it back~ I still haven't been able to make it to see my sisters baby everytime she cries and my sister says she donn't want to hold her alot because she doesn't want her spoiled and she is only almost 2 months old and that baby needs to be held alot so what if she spoils her I hels Savannah everywhere 'til she was like 7 months old I never put her down and finally I had to so she would learn to crawl lol but I didn't even want to do it then! And it just kills me show a baby or anyone for that matter how much you love them and want them to be around because time is precious you could be here today but gone tomorrow! I spoiled Savannah and I will prolly spoil this one although I'm very scared to get to close to this one as I was with her and then to lose him will prolly kill me! But I know that I will! I have 50 more days til he gets here and I wonder if he is going  to look like her alot I wonder if he is going to act like her! She was truely perfect even in the begginning she hardly ever cried she was always happy happy happy as long as I was there! Even the pregnancy with her was ok! I want him to be like her and his own littlle person! I just want her to live on in him! I guess if that is even possible! I was so surprised that I was pregnant and I got pregnant 3 weeks after she grew her wings but didn't find out til it had been a little over 2 months she was gone and I honestly kikn the begginning didn't even want him! I know I was not going to get an abortion and I know I myself was not going to hurt him and I quit smoking cigs and drinking I started trying to be happy that I was and I remember seeing him on the 1st utrasound there he was sucking his thumb just like her and I fell in love with him! I was just scared of getting hurt again the pain of losing a child especially a baby is terrible! I think it is the worst pain in the world and I honestly dont know how I am making it thru this! I talk about Savannah and the new baby alot I try not to cry alot for the new baby I dont want him to be sad and I cant wait to take him to see his sister and I know that when it is this time next year he will be able to really sit out there with me and will maybe be even able to say sissy and I know the first time I hear him say it its going to make me cry so much!!! Savannah use to call my little brother Bubby! So I knew that this baby was prolly going to be a boy cus of that she didn't get along with girls very well I don't know why She was and always will be My first angel and very special to me!!! She has my whole heart with her and I love her more and more each day!!!!!!!!!!!

But I am very excited to see her little brother I have all of his stuff ready and all that is left to do is the baby shower which is the 11th and My dad is putting his crib together for me and Brian (Savannah and Brycen's daddy) he put Savannahs together too!and I only have 3 more weeks of work form this Sunday if I make it that long she might take me off earliar she said and then I will just be awaiting Brycen adn Missing Savannah like crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!