cls1988's Journal

Today July 2 is my fathers birthday. This should be a day I celebrate with him. Instead I will not be. See he has brought me so much sadness and fear to my life that I cant stand being around him. I recieved a call last night from my step mother that they put my father in the hospital .  His health has not been good for several years now.  Much I think he has brought on himself. He abuses pain killers and nerve pills. Hell i think any pill he cant get his hands on he will take no matter what it does to his body. Lets back up a little bit. See my father left us when I was 12 years old. He was very abusive physically and mentally to me, my sisters and mother for as long as I can remember. My mother got pregnant by him with me when he was 18 years old and a senior in high school. I wanted her to have an abortion and get rid of me. Of course my mother could not do that. He was forced by his parents to marry my mother. Is that where the unhappiness started for him? I wish now he would have just ran away from us. I hated the hell he put us through. I would have rather lived without a father than living in fear my whole life. I have been in counseling and making progress in learning how to deal with my feelings for my father. I have spent several years not speaking with him. Mostly on his part. He remarried and has another family. He never had any more children. He just excepted his new wifes children as if they were his. Those children had children and they became his grandchildren. All he can do is praise them and tell me how proud he is of them. What the hell. He has three daughters of is own and 8 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren of his own. He dont even know them. If he seen them out in public he wouldnt even know who they are. How sad is that. I am so anger that we were never good enough for him nor was my mother. Mother had to struggle to raise us three girls. We were very poor and had to do without a lot of times. I never thought bad of my mother for that because she always worked hard to make sure we had a place to live and food to eat. He just went on with his life living it doing what he wanted to do and the hell with us. What gives a person the right to do that?  My father came from a very good family so I am not sure why he did the things he did. I do try to speak to my father everyday on the phone. I am trying to find some peace in my life with what has happened and maybe hoping one day he will give me some answers. I still think he thinks he did nothing wrong to us girls but he has told me that the break up of my his marriage to my mother was his fault. It was his fault.  If he can see that why cant he see what he did to his children. Anyways that is some of the past. Now back to now. I have am struggle to find peace in my life right now with my relationship with him. I dont hate him but I also dont like him and I am still scared of him. Now with him being in the hospital and not doing well I have to make the decission to go and see him or not. I am thinking it is better that I dont go see him. This is for my own peace of mind. I know I will never love him like I should. He killed that a long time ago. If something does happen to him I think I will be ok with my decission to stay away from him. I think if I do go it will bring much heartache and fear back into my life. I am not strong enough at this point to deal with something like that. Call me cold hearted or chicken but that is just how I feel. I deserve to be happy after all these years. I cant be happy as long as I have him in my life. I have tried several times only for him to push me away time and time again. His family always told him if he didnt change his ways he would die a lonely man. I think that is what is going to happen. He is dying slowly with lots of pain. I dont like that part but I cant change that. He made his choice now I have to make mine. God bless you dad and hope you understand someday how much we needed you.