Journal

I have not been writing for awhile my last time gambled was almost 3 weeks ago and ended in a horrible fiasco where I had a black eye and some girl went to jail for assault. This would have never happened had I not been in a casino, needless to say I went through about 2 weeks of depression and it set off my anxiety. I really have not thaught about the casino, but only because I am going to a wedding in Vegas this weekend. All my thaughts have been focused on that and school. I am not going to kid myself into thinking I will not gamble I mean it will be everywhere, but at least I have other things and people to occupy most of my time. I told my friends about GA and my gambling problem there are 3 of us girls going so they will help me find other things to do. I have spent the last week being girly shopping for dresses and accessories, gettining manni and peddis. I am very excited to go I just cannot obsess over gambling. I have stayed somewhat focused on school I got 99% on my first math test and it is sort of higher math, so that feels good, I also got 170% on a economics discussion I don't know why I got so much extra credit but I will take it. I am feeling pretty good, have not been to GA for a couple weeks though, I don't know why I have not been other than most of my homework is do thurs nites online the same nite my GA is. I will be going back after my trip, I know it is not healthy for me not to go, I tend to get very focused on one thing and have a one track mind that gets me into trouble and sets off my obsessive thaught pattern so I really need to start widening my scope of things. Today I will not gamble today I will not obsess.

I went to the casino again, I cannot seem to get past the first step "I am powerless against gambling". I don't what happens that gets me to that point. I know driving to the casino I was trying to be concious of what I was thinking and feeling, I was in a haze, felt disconnected from the world, Isolated and lonely. I have not been taking care of myself, I have not been working on this. I cannot seem to be OK with being alone with myself, I need distraction. How do I move forward again with so many set backs? I have given my access away AGAIN, this time I have to stick with it, not trust myself I am not trustworthy against this addiction. I AM POWERLESS OVER IT. Today I will start over, today I will not gamble. I CAN DO THIS.

Well I was driving back from target and saw a jack in the box, I had just ate their the day before and thaught eww what was I thinking. I do not eat fast food very often but of course having kids they love mcdonalds, we have always told them it is not really "food" just empty calories. So I was thinking of starting a goal to not eat fast food for a year, I think this shouldn't be too hard since I am not much of a fan and only eat it occasionaly. But when I got home and went to MSN homepage what was there but an article "would you eat this", it showed very unappetizing pictures of fast food and the grams of fat contained in them. Is this a coincidence, probably, but it is a sign to me to make this goal happen. So I am starting a new goal no fast food for a year, now if I can only break my starbucks addiction. Today I will not gamble, today I will not eat fast food.