Sometimes I wonder
Sometimes i wonder where are u GodSometimes i wonder why?Sometimes i wonder if i have a purposeSometimes i wonder why …
Join Now
RiskLovingMe 
10:33pm Friday
ok SO. it's well past 5am. i have STILL not gotten to sleep yet. and going to sleep now would be completely pointless. what good is half an hour worth of sleep? so anyway now i will write the reasons that i couldn't sleep
1. every time i close my eyes i see shapes. odd shapes. shapes that ive never seen before. shapes that made no sense. they were flowing...something like that. they were moving, flowing shapes. i could barely lay there and keep my eyes shut. because even though the shapes were harmless, they were somehow disturbing.
2. i think i had some PTSD going on..thought that someone who had previously abused me was in the room with me. thought that he was planning to hurt me again. the smell...his cologne. was everywhere in the air. it was almost choking. i smelled it no matter what i did. my light was off, i was scared to turn it on. i didnt wanna see him if he really was there....i didnt want to see what would come next...but my light is on now. and hes nowhere in sight.
3. i seem to be very anxious. thinking about lots of things. my head is unusually quiet. an old alter personality of mine, Philomena, is back and well. she has shut Svetlana up for the time being. which makes my mind think clearer, i think. i feel like a huge fog has been lifted out of my head. won't help much when im passing out in class tomorrow though.
4. the cuts. the two deep cuts that Svetlana made on my arm. how am i going to cover them up? wrist band like usual? no, the people at school that know that i cut know what a wrist band means. i could wear a long sleeved shirt...but they make me feel so bulky...and i only own like 2 nonbulk long-sleeved shirts. which is far from enough to last the week. i need an option. but i dont know what yet. i guess if they find out, they find out. i'll take the blame for doing them though. i have to. no one can know of Svetlana or Philomena. Just DS and Pat. no one else should ever know, for fear of rejection or being thought of as a lunatic.
5. i realized that i am not prepared whatsoever for life. not one bit. im scared as hell now. once i graduate high school i have no where to go. no way to get out of this hell...no job to get money of somekind to save up to go. no ideas on where im even going to go. wow, i should have thought of this sooner.
I feel ok right now. Philomena's here and will help me out with Svetlana. and shes very loving and caring. she'll help. but she cant help me with everything...i still have counseling (one that i just go to to talk to, its off the record) finally found a ride to go. almost didnt want to. i might just tell her that i feel fine and leave. might as well. i do feel fine right now. maybe next appointment, id have more to share. but tomorrow. i believe that imma slide.
well now for some rambling. feel free to skip. yesterday went fossil hunting with my mom. we walked about 12 miles worth of uphill land. my muscles are SORE!!!got a good workout though i guess. we were both like dying! found a few really cool rocks though. which is great. lol just looked at the clock. 15 minutes till time for me to wake up. how convenient. GR! anyway it was fun. she didnt even bring my stepdad! which was kinda surprising. usually when we do stuff like that he comes too because he just feels like it i guess. but he didnt this time. im going to get ready for school soon. this is just ridiculous! lol DAMN SLEEPLESS NIGHTS!!!! which is funny, because i used to embrace sleepless nights! as usual, trulymadlydeeply, here are your lyrics!
Aftermath by Sonic Syndicate
The walls are moving closer now
Can you feel it, can you feel it?You are not saved until you see the dawn
Set my Eden on fire now
You did it, you did it
Smoked out my soul once and for all
I'm coming home tonight
Can we make it right?
Or twist the dagger in my back
You lit the fires in me that I never thought I had
Now it's nothing but a memory...
Be patient, someday this pain will be useful to you
Be patient, someday this pain will settle deep in you
The helix is shattered now
You broke it, you broke it
The destruction of my entire essence
Drink the nectars of the shadow flower now
Contaminated
And sit back as it reaches for your heart
Be patient, someday this pain will be useful to you
Be patient, someday this pain will settle deep in you
In the excavation of my human heart I found something
Something that I never knew existed...
I'm coming home tonight
Can we make it right?
Or twist the dagger in my back
You lit the fires in me that I never thought I had
Now it's nothing but a memory...
Be patient, someday this pain will be useful to you
Be patient, someday this pain will settle deep in you
Be patient, someday this pain will be useful to you
Be patient, someday this pain will settle deep in you
Comments
You might also like ...
Gods Tears
God's TearsTears were shedWhen i was hurtSo long agoAnd tho my eyesWere dryHe cried for meAnd now i hearHis patient …
Hmmm my life these days
Sometimes i wonder whats going on and if i am going to make it one more day! Sometimes i feel like sitting in bed …
I know just what you mean, i am still awake , I just cant go to sleep. I will pray u get some sleep soon,, and me to, GabbyGrams
SouthernGirl08
Thanks hun, beautiful as always.
I'm sorry you had a sleepless night, I know how horrible they, and I especially know how horrible it is to feel like there's someone in the room with you. I've had that just recently :(
You need to keep talking to your counsellor about how you are feeling, maybe you should tell her about your alters? She wont think you're a lunatic.
Regarding life, well I'm not sure anyone ever feels ready for it, and it does seem very daunting when you're still at school. I know it did for me. But within a few months of leaving I had a job and was able to buy a cheap car, and that independence was the best thing I'd ever known.
Things will turn out ok. It might seem as though they wont, but suddenly it all slots into place.
Hugs xx
trulymadlydeeply