RiskLovingMe's Journal

struggled all day with svetlana (to new friends who don't know, she is my alter personality) she's taken control several times and has really exhausted me. but i dont want to sleep. i want to be on my ds and write. im tired of letting her get me down and defeat me. i know, i need sleep, and i will get it. but not before im done with this. lol. 

today, overall, was rough. got yelled at for my attitude pretty much all day. and i dont blame my grandma for yelling at me for it either. my mood was shitty, i was being a smart-alec for the most part, and overall, i was a jerk. but truthfully, if she had an alter personality bitch taunting her all day she might not have the best attitude in the world either. im usually irritable due to svetlana. and that could cause me to lose more than i realize. and hell, maybe THAT'S her goal! i was very suicidal earlier. all i could think of was ending it and ways in which to do it (pretty obvious if anyone saw the posts that i put up in the self injury and depression boards, they're exactly the same btw). i lurked around on the boards and on profiles, seeing if i could find someone to help out. usually, in helping people, i get a feeling of self worth, something that i dont have often enough. i found a few that i commented on and became friends with some. yay! i love making friends. it makes me feel somewhat needed, in a way i guess. ive made a few that i hope to keep this time! and thank you, dyke (lol i feel like im name calling when i say her display name!) for taking my mind off of things with your random useless facts. lol man, that whole sentence seems more like an smart-alec insult than a compliment, but its a good thing, promise! and now ill direct my attention to someone else that's very special to me, apart from this site.

Pat. he makes me feel more loved than anyone in the world ever has. i cant imagine living my life without him. haha that sounds pathetic in a way, that i can't live without him there. but no matter how pathetic it sounds, it's 100% true. he may live over 3 hours from me, but that almost makes it even better. of course, i miss him like CRAZY! all the time! but without the distance, i doubt that we'd be nearly as close as we are right now. i love having him in my life. i love the way he makes me feel. and i love the fact that no matter what, im always going to have him. i couldnt imagine anything better than a life with him. what can i say? im madly in love :)

id also like to reach out to a dear ds friend of mine right now. her ds name is Psawyer1. she was my first friend here on DS and i still hold her very close to my heart. she is struggling big time right now with a couple voices and with other thing such as urges to cut and depression. i want to reach out to her and wish the best for her and to give her some prayer, yes prayer. hell, i may not believe in prayer, but what could a few kind suggestive words do to hurt??? anyway, babe, know that you're in my thoughts and that i love you. and one day, once i get everything straightened out in my life, im either coming to visit you or am coming to steal you so i can make you happy! :)

and to Belladeath, i know you're going through a really rough time right now. and i just want you to know that im still here for you anytime you need me. ive been afraid to message/text you because of the horrendous moods that i've been in lately. i didnt wanna bring you down too! but first thing when i wake up this morning, im going to text you. that is, if i can find my phone! if not, ill message you on here. please dont think ive forgotten you!!! i definitely haven't!!!

and Phoebe. i know that everything seems to be crumbling before you right now. but hang in there. for olivia! and sugar! and amanda! they all love you and so do i! im sure you're always in their thoughts, as you are in mine. we don't talk much at all anymore, and that is mostly my fault, well, my environment's fault, we will say (trying to stop blaming myself for things so much...lol). but i hope to send you more hugs/messages in the future, as i hope to be here on ds more now. i love and miss you phoebe. hang in there and i pray that things her better for you very very soon!

this journal was just a general update/thanks/encouraging/loving/caring journal. my ds friends are all very close to my heart. i feel for each and every one of you. and Pat, i love you so much; you give my life so much meaning! peace and love everyone that reads this. oh, and if i didnt personally mention you in this and you're offended, im SUPER sorry! if you feel that way then message me and ill tell you what i wouldve wrote about you if i werent so exhausted and sleepy! oh, and just for my trulymadlydeeply, here are some song lyrics! (it's actually a positive song, even though it talks about bullets and shooting in the head. it's all figurative and symbolic!)^_^. OH! and if you all were wondering about the title of the journal, it's from the song supersonic by family force 5. lol and everytime i say it, i end up laughing, even when im mad, i just scream that out at my grandma and we BOTH bust out laughing. that phrase is the answer to everything. lmao! 

"Bullets" by Creed

Walking around I hear the sounds of the earth seeking relief
I'm trying to find a reason to live
But the mindless clutter my path
Oh these thorns in my side
Oh these thorns in my side
I know I have something free
I have something so alive
I think they shoot cause they want it
I think they shoot cause they want it
I think they shoot cause they want it

I feel forces all around me
Come on raise your head
Those who hide behind the shadows
Live with all that's dead

[Chorus:]
Look at me... look at me!
At least look at me when you shoot a bullet through my head
Through my head
Through my head

In my lifetime when I'm disgraced
By jealousy and lies
I laugh aloud 'cause my life
Has gotten inside someone else's mind

Look at me... look at me
At least look at me when you shoot a bullet through my head
Through my head
Through my head

Hey all I want is what's real
Something I touch and can feel
I'll hold it close and never let it go
Said why... why do we live this life with all this hate inside?
I'll give it away 'cause I don't want it no more!
Please help me find a place
Somewhere far away

Yes, I'll go and you'll never see me again.

Through my head

Look at me... look at me

At least look at me when you shoot a bullet through my head
Through my head
Through my head