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i don't even really put my journals into themes anymore. what's the point when no one reads them? anyway, today was good in some parts, and bad in others. my mood is ALWAYS up and down, no matter what is going on. and i really dont know what to do about that. im either depressed or angry or hyper the whole day. like this morning, i was SUPER hyper. that lasted till about the end of third block, which is really good. but after third block, i was depressed, angry, and just hated everything. then when i get home it takes me a little while and im either stressed out of my mind and anxious or im really hyper again. makes no sense. i really wish that Jimee wouldn't bully me, i dont see why she does. shes always like "i love you!" but then she hits me around and leaves me with scratches and bruises in various places. sometimes i hate her and wish she'd just fall of the face of the earth...i can't lie on my back right now because she put a huge bruise on my back. it hurts sooo bad! anyway, on to more important things, i guess.
first we'll move on to the research report. i have a research report due friday, and it is COMPLETELY stressing me out!!! i've NEVER been good at writing, essays, or reports of any kind. and this one has to be 5 pages. and i'm freaking out. so far, i only have a little over 1 page finished. thats it!!! after HOURS of trying and trying to figure out what to write and how and all that stupid crap, that's all i effin got! i only have until thursday night to do this, and at this rate, i'm not going to get it finished. i held off on doing this report for WEEKS because she said "im going to explain to you all how to do it". come to find out that when she explained it yesterday, that the only thing she was planning on telling us how to do it was how to do our names and title on the front of the paper. so i freaking held off for NOTHING. that teacher just pisses me off in so many ways. i cant even explain it.
my neighbor's son, brent, who just moved here not too long ago, is now in jail for 9 years. hes only 24... i don't know what all he is being tried for or whatever, but his dad said that there were several charges against him. brent's a troubled guy. has PTSD from being overseas (im not sure when or where, but i know that he went and came back with the PTSD). when he came back he got into drinking and hard drugs and was discharged from the army at some point. then he went to a rehab, which apparently didnt work. then this year he moved here, to live with his dad, where he still drank and stuff. i didn't know him before then, but once i did i would sometimes go over and talk to him and play with his adorable dog, Keely, who i have mentioned before. now, charlie, his dad, is left with keely. we cant take her or we would. we all love her to death. but with the money issues and gram not being nearly strong enough to handle her, with the dog being a large husky, we just cant do it. and im not arguing that fact. i just wish that there was SOMETHING i could do to keep her around. she makes me smile when shes around...
i guess thats my little annoying bit for the day. im going to be posting a journal within the next few days with something that my counselor told me to try. so we'll see how that goes. other than the above mentioned, i am doing good i guess. philomena's doing great and svetlana is still gone. i love you all dearly and hope you are all ok.
Freedom Fighter by Creed
The mouths of envious
Always find another door
While at the gates of paradise they beat us down
some more
But our mission's set in stone
'Cause the writing's on the wall
I'll scream it from the mountain tops pride comes
before the fall
So many thoughts to share
All this energy to give
Unlike those who hide the truth I tell it like it is
If the truth will set you free
I feel sorry for your soul
Can't you hear the ringing 'cause for you the
bell tolls
[Chorus]
I'm just a freedom fighter
No remorse
Raging on in holy war
Soon there'll come a day
When you're face to face with
Face to face with me
Can't you hear us coming?
People marching all around
Can't you see we're coming?
Close your eyes it's over now
Can't you hear us coming?
The fight has only just begun
Can't you see we're coming?
I'm just a freedom fighter
No remorse
Raging on in holy war
Soon there'll come a day
When you're face to face with me
I'm just a freedom fighter
No remorse
Raging on in holy war
Soon there'll come a day
When your face to face with me
Face to face with me
Comments
My mind is in such a whirlwind. I just know that a panic attack is imminent... I feel like something's caught in my throat and that it wont come out. This is so crippling. School may be a little rough today because of this. And there's really nothing i can do to make this stop. This is why:
My older sister's dad is missing. Been missing for days, his girlfriend says. There is still no sign of him, and she said that before he went missing, he talked about coming to see my brother and sister (even though my brother lives over 3 hours from me now). I am fucking terrified. When i was little, he tried to kidnapp me, my mom says. I have no recollection of that, but i had apparently just turned 4. He had SUCCEEDED to kidnapp my sister TWICE then she was 2. He wanted her so he could SELL HER. And i was apparently next, even though i wasnt even his damn kid. Hes was/is a drug addict, and just got out of jail this April for an attempted murder charge (he held a knife to his own mother's throat to get her to give him money for drugs) and for possession charges. But anyway, he failed to kidnapp me, it was i guess never reported that he had tried because i dont even remember it happening so idk. All i know is that i am TERRIFIED!!! I dont even know what to do at this point. I guess ill just ride out whatever panic attacks i have and just live with it. UGH.
I have been doing a little better lately. Still haven't cut, and to be quite honest, it hasn't been on my mind as it usually had been. Gone into a little bit of suicide ideation, but came out of it victorious. Been baking lately to keep me busy, and have also started to play an old game that i had quit playing for months. I find it fun, even though it is kind of for younger adolescents more than for a 17 year old... Oh well though, it keeps me occupied. I've had my neighbor's son Brent's dog at my house almost every night this week. he goes off and leaves her outside alone and its been raining lately. She was whining and howling, so i brought her inside, dried her off, and let her lay with me on my bed. Shes a Siberian Husky, not very old either. Cant be over a year and a half old. She's very large though, and took up a good bit of my bed. It was funny when she'd stretch out cuz she'd kick me. I'm starting to enjoy little things more. My thought process needs to change though, because the paranoid stuff just isn't working out. When i drive, I almost go into a panic attack because of all the thoughts that go through my head. The "what ifs". Kinda been killing my mood lately, because it's in paranoid overload. Which has caused me to hide things from Pat, DS, even Philomena. Not really alot of things that are bothering me or need to be addressed, but i still feel bad for basically hiding them. I think i am done with this journal. And i gotta finish baking these sugar cookies. Mmmmmmmmm. Hope you are all doing well xx
Tread the Floods by Trivium
Stress
Breaking my back
Forces start a raid
rapture
Mental attack
My thoughts clattering
Beating this dead horse is exhausting
heartbreaking to see my hands shaking
I'm knee-deep in the depths still wading
Still wading in this
this well called life
Numbness halting all will
Forcing apathy
Anxiety
an aching chill
Hammering down me
Beating this dead horse is exhausting
heartbreaking to see my hands shaking
I'm knee-deep in the depths still wading
Still wading in this
this well called life
Tread the floods
So you can hope to seize
Your own reality
before it escapes thee
Watch yourself drown in disarray
It's time to break away
Or we'll die today
[Solo : Corey]
Stress
Breaking my back
Forces start a raid
rapture
Mental attack
My thoughts clattering
Numbness halting all will
Forcing apathy
Anxiety
an aching chill
Hammering down me
Beating this dead horse is exhausting
heartbreaking to see my hands shaking
I'm knee-deep in the depths still wading
Still wading in this
this well called life
Tread the floods
So you can hope to seize
Your own reality
before it escapes thee
Watch yourself drown in disarray
It's time to break away
Or we'll die today
UPDATED GOALS
Quit Cutting
Progress 15%
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If you don't mind me asking hun. Who is Jimee. If she is hurting you maybe you should tell someone. Talk to me about it. I will do my best to help.
Karabeara
jimee is a girl in my 4th block that hits and bites me and stuff. ive tried telling adults, and they didnt do anything about it. so i dont really think that it will help with that situation.
RiskLovingMe
This kid in your class sounds a tad off. When you said adults, did you mean teachers? or the principle? Depending upon how serious you want to get with this, maybe you need to document when and what she's doing, and take a pic. Especially if it's causing you that type of harm that you can't lay on your back. Definately need to mmove to high authority. Parents,grandparents, hell the police if needed. love you, please stay safe. xx if i were anywhere near, I'd be kicking some ass right about now.
coolkidrthomas
I always read your journals hun. Sorry things are so up and down for you right now. I agree with everyone about reporting that girl again. She really cant keep treating you like that.
More great lyrics :)
Hugs
trulymadlydeeply
Does this Jimee seem even semi-intelligent? Then you need to tell her to "Just Stop it!" If SHE can't control herself, you WILL!, its that simple. She is behaving unacceptably. Ask her if she knows what "unacceptable" means. Tell her "If not look it up." You shouldn't and WILL not put up with it. Make sure she knows that the choice is HERS, touch you again in any way at all & it's the court for her. Getting pics is a great idea. Document & be prepared to follow thru. It may get rougher before it gets better, but you have no choice. If you let it go, it will only escalate. If she scratches or bites enough to break the skin, there's the whole HIV issue. Please Risk, don't let her bully you. Start off calm but firm. and keep your cool. Intelligence wins out over anger every time. Good luck, & keep me posted.
theGuardian
i stood up to her the other day. and shes been laying off for the past two days. i told her that i wasnt afraid of her. every mean threatening comment she said was cut down by me either saying "well, if you're going to do something, might as well do it while everyones looking, right?" or "you know that you're only intimidating because of your massive build, right? because otherwise, you're all mouth. and that pretty little mouth of yours will get you in trouble with the wrong person one day". i have a feeling that i have it coming to me, but oh well. so far it is working. she isnt afraid to fight though. and if she does my face is pretty much toast. LOL. and she is very intelligent. she just gets joy out of the fear she puts everyone in. oh well. next time she does anything there will be proof, pictures, and witnesses. pretty much all i have to say
RiskLovingMe