jenne061985's Journal

       my darling mother i've come to realize you knew about everything. how could you not?? i HEARD Jr ask you if he could have sex with you i HEARD what you said...i SAW and HEARD what my "father" used to say about me to you...did you think i was stupid? i guess as long as it wasnt you you where happy to go along with whatever they wanted.what kind of mother buys a 14 year old girl a see through night gown and willingly puts  her in the same room with her husband and keeps her in the room till she moves out, and what kind of mother stops sleeping in her bedroom after she does these things? what kind of mother gives permission to her son and husband to rape and use a child??my dear mother were did you think a child of 13 would get a vibrator from if someone older didnt buy it for her?? or did you ok that too?? did you know your husband took pictures of me, do you even know where they are??

       surely you noticed that everytime i went over Jr's house i would be in tears and throwing tantrums..at the age of 18 when i never had before, how could you ignore the bruises and believe the lies, how could youthink thumb marks on my throat where from my necklace?? your fucking son tried to kill me more than once and you blamed everything on ME you would yell and scream at me because he hit me!! you let him come a tme with a knife in front of you and you didnt move to stop it!! you fucking knew about everything you goddamn bitch and you did nothing but run me down and make me feel like i was less than nothing. you let me know in words and actions that i deserved what i got.

     because of you and your family i grew afraid of being close to anyone, i cant love anyone without thinking im goin got get hurt...i cant have someone touch me without jumping...the dark scares me at 24 years old, loud noises give me panic attacks...everyday of my life i want to kill myself but i dont just to spite you and yours. because  i remember being left alone locked in a room all day  with noone else in the house i can tbe left alone at all if i am i start to shake and cry ....if a pillow brushes the front of my face i freak out and start crying. i don't know if i have a mental disorder or am so fucked up from you and your family that my brain is unhinged.

i was close to you yet still i could never talk to you, you never saw me crying, you never helped me when i was sick, you never gave any bruises or blood spots any consideration you never gave any inclination that you even wanted me around, because you didnt did you?? i was someone who you could control, and you did every fucking aspect of my life was under your scrunity.  i was the brat you adopted because you didnt want to hurt your sister, i was the one you had to put up with because your husband wanted me there.

      i wonder if you know what it feels like to be used like a dirty whore and no tbe able to utter a sound because if you cry or scream it would just last longer.

i hate you and your family i wish i could rememeber everything that has happened to me so i could make you  all feel all the pain and anguish  i have for 14 years. you may no tbe the worse mother i know of but your up thereand the day you your son and your husband die will be the happiest fucking day in my life. but know this mothe, you never have to worry because i'll treat you wiht all the respect and affection noone ever showed me..i'll take care of you when your sick, i'll even let you and dad live with me but know that it will only be because i want the satisfaction of seeing everyone in this family rot and become tormented as the guilt of what has happened eats at you!

    i love you mommy :)