amandalynn's Journal

Ok. So, I just did something huge.

Im so devastated, but proud of myself at the same time. Here is the back story. You all know that I was in an abusive relationship with Lacys father. Well, awhile after he was out of the picture I started dating a guy named John. He seemed perfect. Hard worker, great to Lacy, everything I prayed for Mark to be. But it was all a front.

Eventually he started being emotionally absuive, lying, stealing, etc. Over the past year he has stolen about 500 dollars from me. We break up for awhile, he "changes", and we get back together. Gullible me, I think he will change into a good man everytime.

Well, we recently got back together. He's pretty much been staying here and helping me with bills, watching Lacy so I can work, etc. Things were ok for a bit, but recently have got horrible. My cousin is going to read this and be like "whaaat?!!", because I havent told anybody. And I usually tell her everything. I just know that I am being completely stupid, and dont feel like crying to someone, when Im bringing this all on myself.

His temper has been out of control. Most of my kitchen chairs are broken. Ive been shoved, called names, and so many other things.  Ive also been hurting myself, because Im so unhappy. We had a fight last night, he left, and I went in the bathroom and cut myself. Me! Amanda Lynn. Hurting myself. The one who got through MARK without hurting myself. I realized that I am losing control.

This morning I woke up, and things were different. I looked in the mirror and realized that I barely recognize myself. Who have I become? My mother didnt raise me like this! My DAUGHTER doesnt deserve this. She needs a HAPPY home. Peace, Love, Respect. I wouldnt want HER with someone like him, so why am I teaching her that this is the kind of person she needs to be with? Why dont I love myself enough to WAIT for someone better? Someone deserving of my love, someone who adores and honors me, and sets a good example for my baby?

So. I broke it off. We are over. For sure. I told him to call when he wants his things. I know you might not believe it. But its done. Its so so so so much different this time. I prayed last night for the Lord to help me, and he has. Im upset, and devestated. But the difference between this time, and all the other times, is that I dont feel the same. I feel that it will be different. My eyes have miraculously been opened. Im seeing things clearly. The relationship was going nowhere good. For me or Lacy. So why stay in it? Because I need help with bills, and dont like sleeping alone? That isnt a good enough reason to stay with someone that doesnt even make me happy, and only tears me down. Lacy loves him now, and its going to hurt her when he doesnt come home tonight. But she isnt going to love him when she gets older and realizes what kind of man he is. So it's going to hurt her, and she's too little to understand, but she will thank me for this later.

I did it. Finally. Im ready to STOP BEING SO CO-DEPENDANT!!! Im going to be the strong woman that my mother raised me to be, and the strong mother that my daughter needs.

Thank you Lord for helping me, and thank you to all my friends on DS for listening.

Please keep me and Lacy in your prayers. Please. Pray that Im strong enough to get through this, and pray that my comfort is enough for her as well. Its going to be hard, but I know this is best.