Journal

If I could go back to that fateful day when my curiosity had gotten the better of me and could change the first time I used that drug, I would do it.  Since then life has been not good.  I cannot find suitable work because of a felonious record.  I am not able to provide preferred housing and eat the way I’d like because of not having work.  Each day since that fateful day has produced ripples which are still felt, destroyed relationships with family and friends, despondency and depression and life now is just making it through the day looking forward to that other day when this battle will be over for me.  I’m not talking about heaven, but death.  If anything, I’m grateful my addiction began in my later years because I could not imagine suffering in this way beginning in my teens or twenties.  But, I go on.

This is the plight of someone who chose drugs and alcohol.  The first time was a choice but soon afterward the ability to choose was taken away because this is what addiction is all about, not being able to choose.  So, you go on as long as you’re physically able until your abused heart grants you peace and stops; or, divine intervention blesses you with an opportunity to reverse the fast moving train and slows it down enough for you to be able to get off and you began walking back from where you’ve traveled, but the walk is often filled with hardship because once you get to where you began it all, everything has changed from those you’ve known to who you are and expectations of everything does not occur.  But, you go on.

We go on despite the hardship because we learn to grasp onto something which gives us motivation—Christ.  That difficult walk up Golgotha’s hill, carrying that wooden cross, so heavy upon a back so torn was for me.  So, now the one I carry, that is mine, is for Him and I listen carefully because when I feel like giving up I hear Him whisper in my ear:  “No matter how bad it gets and want to stop, we go on.  We go on.”

Don’t be afraid of tomorrow,

God is already there.

--Vikki Blossom & Roy

One of the most difficult of all experiences in this life is applying what you know is truth versus explaining it.  It is very easy to sit and explain all we have understood and how it should be applied in other’s life but when it comes to application this is where we have trouble.  This is where we fall short and often those who see us stumble will declare the message given must not have been accurate.  My mother once said, “Hear the word of God even if it is coming from drunken lips.”  If someone is not able to apply those truths in their life doesn’t diminish the veracity of the truth.  Truth is truth, with or without us.

I had an opportunity to speak with a doctor who specializes in mental health and he concurred with me regarding those who begin in the rooms (AA/NA/CA) is good; however, if they’re still in the rooms, say, in five years then something is wrong.  He opened my eyes regarding the 12-Steps but agreed they should lead to the 10 Commandments.  Illumination helps to correct mis-statements and judgments.  I’m reminded of the text describing when the Holy Spirit is given in our lives, He will guide us into all truth.  I always add, “Which means taking us past all error”.  We will come across error, for sure, but when we have found truth, which is absolute, then our next effort should be in applying while sharing with others.  And despite our failure to apply it properly and consistently should not keep us from sharing, for this is helpful to someone else, to do otherwise is selfishness.

If you come across someone you respect for having told you something they’re not able to accomplish in their life, the message given you was given so you might accomplish the greater that you would not have known previously.  Thank the individual for their bravery and honesty.

Because I’m not able to live up to the truth

Doesn’t make it less than truth.

Speaking with a dear friend and sharing my frustrations of late, she mentioned Calvary’s experience.  I said, “Not to diminish what Christ has done for me but sometimes I wish I could climb up on that cross.”  Not I was equal to what Christ had done but so I could feel closer to Him while I go through what it is I’m going through, yet in truth, as He couldn’t see His Father’s presence with Him, I am having a difficult time seeing His presence with me.  Doubt has begun to enter my mind wondering if I am truly called to this ministry of helping addicts because I’m beginning to be too focused on how I am going to make a living.

I was blessed by the ministry of others one saying “God uses people who struggle with their own issues and saves by involving them in ministry.”  I then looked at events of my past and can see how each step was prepared bringing me to where I am now, yet, I struggle.  I struggle because I cannot see my future, but who can?  I believe, even now, I received a moment of inspiration and I’ll share it with you:  God promised if I wrote and published my book, I would never be hungry or homeless.  How can I know this to be true unless I’m facing the possibility of hunger and homelessness and can witness later how He brought me through?  God doesn’t promise you gold if you already have gold.

You must keep this in mind and when I speak to you I’m speaking to myself, we have a God who loves us and won’t allow anything to happen to us which He has not prepared by weighing the quality of our character against the circumstance which will solidify the strength of our being because He knows how He made us.  If you’re not up on a cross or carrying one it’s because you’re lost already!

When I was in the street my soul was gone,

I prayed to my Father, please make me strong.

--Vikki Blossom