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StarliteRose 
7:25pm, August 22, 2009
I have no idea what is wrong with me. Sometimes I look in the mirror or at some photos of me like, "Whoa that's me? I really am pretty!" and the very next day I'm back to calling myself all sorts of mean names. I hate that I am capable of saying such cruel things about myself. You wouldn't think that you can actually hurt your own feelings, but I certainly have. I have been working very hard on this though, and I'm actually making progress, one day at a time, to curb my self-destructive comments/thoughts.
My pants fit a little looser... I need to pull my belt in tighter. Soon I will need a size extra small belt! Woot! All those yoga, pilates and aerobics tapes are really toning me up even more! It's hard to run when it's so cold and rainy, but I've been walking even more--almost 50 total miles last week! I increased my calories, as per my therapist--I console myself by acknowledging the fact that if you drop calorie intake too low it can actually stop you from losing weight anyway. I'm going to say something that is very hard for me to say: my body doesn't look bad--it's actually kind of decent? This really skinny little lady at my job told me it's good that I eat such small lunches bc I will stay skinny and beautiful.... she made my entire day/week/year--sometimes I don't think people know how much kind words can help when someone is in a bad place. Gives me something to hold on to when I don't have any kind words of my own to tell myself.
Twice on my walk today I caught really cute guys checking me out! The were both dressed up like they were going to work (white shirt, slacks, messenger bag--I love that look). I felt good about that. I even made full eye contact with the first guy, and he looked really embarrassed that I caught him :-) I felt so courageous!
I want to feel confident and happy. I want to twirl around in flirty skirts and strappy sandals and flash bright smiles at strangers like a commercial for laundry detergent or toothpaste, lol. I want to fight these mean thoughts and not judge myself so cruelly.
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I wish I was like one of those white shirt, slacks, messenger bag dudes that women WANT to catch checking them out :) I operate on another wavelength though. You moving to NY? You'll still have DS there!!!!!!!!!! :)
Asperguy
Good work with the exercise!
Have you discussed your image issues with your therapist? I wonder if not commenting on your looks at all (bad or good) would be the way to go? Maybe lowering the importance of image would help you feel better about it.
In any case I've heard two kitty espressos in the morning are great for the waistline. ;-)
GoldfishCM
Yep I will still be DSing in the big apple :-) In fact, probably a little more!
Yep, my therapist knows about my image issues. My only image issues are with myself--I'm not judgemental or even really concerned about how other people look, I actually get mad when I hear people call other people fat or ugly. I'm just cruel to myself. People tell me that I see people who are bigger than me as skinnier than me. I don't know, but I don't see many people as bigger than me, so I accept that people are not lying to me. It's not just how I look either. I insult everything about myself. My therapist tells me to say nice things to help me cultivate a positive self image, it's working--slowly but I do see progress. I stick with her plan bc, hey well what else am I going to do? lol.
StarliteRose
I wish I had a more corporate look too! That's the thing about working in a lab, it's jeans and sneakers everyday! Skirts are not allowed and if I wear nice pants they could get ruined! Oh well :-)
StarliteRose
I'm an IT guy so I wear the standard uniform -- Polo shirt and Dockers. LOL.
I have another question if you're comfortable answering. how do you perceive other people complimenting you?
GoldfishCM
Oh no I'm not one of those people who thinks people are lying when they say nice things about me, I actually am happy to hear compliments--helps me to build up my arsenal of positive thoughts!! :-)
StarliteRose