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PJsmom 
3:57pm, May 31, 2009
Hello again friends, I know it's been awhile, I think I've been in a perpetual funk these past 6 months, it's 6 months today that PJ took his life, sometimes I think this part is worse than the day he did it. I can't believe that this amount of time has gone by already, where did it go? Where have I been? I miss him so much, it's an actual pain in my heart, I can't believe I'll never see him again or talk to him or hug him, God it hurts so bad. Does the pain ever go away. Sometimes I'd rather be with him, I think it would be easier than trying to survive in this world. All I want is peace, and it's just not happening. I always thought I was a strong person, but this just showed me that I'm not, I don't want to wake up in the morning, I find no joy in life, nothing makes me happy, of course I'm turning into a great fake, I can hide my feeling like you wouldn't believe. I don't want to burden my family with these feeling, and I'm not sure what they'd do or feel, so I just hold it in. I want to be normal, whatever that is, I don't remember anymore.
Comments
oh my friend, i am so sorry for what is going on with you. i think it goes on with all of us, and in different waves. i am so sorry for your loss. i have read your profile a number of times. did anything ever happen to the party who may have been responsible for the awful lies your son was accused of? i agree with you, sometimes i feel i am more awful than when my son first died, because reality starts to set in. are you in any kind of counseling or any type of support group. i am in a support group through hospice that i find some comfort in at times. they only meet monthly, but i guess that is better than nothing and i can reach out to members i have gotten to know. this hurt we have is so so deep. it is like a rotten sore, that just reaches down to the depths of our being. again i am so sorry for your loss. i truly am. i found it hard to stuff my feelings, even though i tried, i would do an explosion when i least expected it, and sorry to say still do. please let me know anytime you want to talk, not that i would be of help, but i try to be a better listener than i was before my son's accident. love, donna
misshimsooo
I read somewhere that the pain is intolerable - and then it gets worse. It is one of the most honest descriptions I have ever seen of what we go through.
It does get worse and I think that must be when our mind is starting to realize the truth: they are not at camp, not at Grandma's, not on vacation. They are gone from our physical world and nothing we do can change it. I searched for time travellers, magicians and anyone else I could think of to get my son back, certain that there was a way to make it happen and feeling stupid for not being able to figure it out.
Most of us have also been through the wanting to be with them stage, too. I would guess that is probably pretty common yet we usually have the ability to refrain from following through with it. Before you get to that point, get help. Do you have any local support, as Donna mentioned? Have you spoken with your doctor about a good therapist or, possibly, a mild anti-depressant for a few months? Sometimes it's a good if temporary way to ease the pain.
You ARE strong; you've made it through the worst of it and though the rest of the journey isn't easy, it will get better over time. People used to say you learn to live with the pain and I didn't know what that meant. Now, I do. It's not something easily explained, but you do learn (like it or not) to live with it. Be with us. Talk with these other women who absolutely understand where you are. None of us can fix it for each other, but we can share our support, our love, our caring. Let us be there for you? Barbara
ForMomsOnly
I'm so sorry for your pain and the funk. We all know that place. I too often wanted to join my son. Somehow I stuck it out. How...I don't know? I think I had a great family support system and definitely these amazing women held me up. Then slowly, ever so slowly there were good days. Then they became more frequent. Now the bad days are the exception. You will get there too. Please let us help and know we are all here for you. Much love. Robin
Robin4
I think you have described exactly how all us moms feel or have felt sometime along this journey. This is the new normal for us. But you will one day be able to smile or laugh at the memories you have of your son. I don't think it will ever go away...only get a little softer. I do go to Compassionate Friends meetings once a month, and it has really helped me along. Maybe they have a chapter where you live. Just continue to come here for support and express your feelings and emotions when ever you need to. There is a lot of understanding here. Love, Kim
KimRW
i didn't think i would ever get through my grief over losing my daughter, but i am starting to find some peace. I hope you do too. She didn't die of suicide but she did have some mental health problems and was severely depressed for two years and took several overdoses in that period, so i do understand somewhat. I too wanted to die and be with Cheryl. I used to constantly think about lying down in a field and staying there and never getting up. Part of me wanted to stay in my grief as to move on would be to deny her. There was a day i felt i had to write something and i closed my eyes and put a pencil to a pad and i wrote "Mum don't you think you owe Chris and Steven something better, Cheryl. Chris and Steven are Cheryl's brothers. Whether this was conscious, unconscious or spiritual it made me stop and think. Sometimes i feel i let her down in life. Now i feel i don't want to let her down in death.
Cherylsmum
I remember where you are...it is a bad, sad place...I remember how the sorrow causes physical pain...does it go away...the real, physical pain does go away...periodically you will "feel" the pain again...but what will remain is sadness. There will be joys again if you allow it...but it takes time. I remember wanting my old normal back...now my normal is coping with, living with the loss of my son. You will find a way to do this too. You will have to work to obtain this goal however...it will not happen without work. Enjoy what you can...let yourself enjoy things...it may take quite a while to really feel things...but never give up hope. Take care of you...love and hugs...Karen
biowoman
Hi with tears. i know how much this painful and hard for the mother's heart. still early noe to get over this 6 months not enough to be strong but with ur believe with the support u have gradually u will feel that u can live again. for me it takes one year and half to think again that i need to live for my kids and for myself too. if u can cry do it , u can talk to him as i do. i know after our kids died life changed we bacame fake. it m is ok but later on u will accept that we
will never meet them but they still need our prayers, and still need us stronge as they know us.
amoney
Yes, I understand. My heart hurt so much I thought it would explode. My son…my only child died in 2007, so I am further down the road. However, I still cry. Even when the tears are not evident I am crying inside. It is a sorrowful desolate empty feeling. Yes, I still pray everyday to join my son. I do not believe we will ever be the same as we were before our children died. But I think it will get easier.
AstridW
I understand. I am a mere 6 months ahead of you on this journey and while the physical pain has subsided, the sadness has increased and I suspect it will for the rest of my life. Yet, I learn to live this new normal of mine. I will be honest in that I still want to "go" to be with my son, but I just keep working and trying to do the best that I can to honor his life. Like others, I know that I will never be the same again. So I just have to be gentle on myself and learn how to live it out. Love and hugs to you. Belinda
BinkyH
Thanks again all my friends, I really hate this new normal, it's just not who I was, nor who I want to be. It is the overwhelming sadness that really unsettles me, it just washes over you so you don't want to do anything. And as far as the people that caused PJ to do this, all the DA said is that DSS is investigating the family, that I could sue for wrongful death, but that it is a long and expensive process, and right now, i just don't think I could go through that and for what purpose, it won't bring him back. So I continue to believe in the old saying "what goes around comes around", and I have to believe that they will get what's coming to them. I thank God everyday for all you wonderful people,who have walked this road before me, and that you understand the pain and frustration, again thanks to all of you. Love to all of you, Bev
PJsmom