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PJsmom 
3:57pm, May 31, 2009
I'm so sorry for the previous entry, God, I was in a real funk that day. it just seems so pointless at times, like it's just not worth the effort to go on. As much as I love PJ, it wouldn't be fair to my other 2 sons to do anything that would hurt them. I just get so tired of the constant pain, I want it to stop. it's only been 5 months since PJ took his life, and I'm still having an exteremely hard time excepting the fact that he did that, I always thought he had a strong will to live, and that he could beat the odds stacked against him. There are times when I get so mad at him for doing this, then I feel guilty for feeling that way, when I look at what he was going through, I think to myself, what would have I done if it had been me going through that, maybe the same thing, I suppose. All I do for sure, is that I miss him so damn much, it seems like that's the only feeling I have lately. People ask me how I'm doing, and of course I lie and tell them ok, I don't want to burden them with my sorrow. It seems all I want to do is talk about PJ, and to be honest I think people are getting tired of hearing about him, so now I just don't talk about him, I'm keeping my feelings locked up inside me and hold those close. I also spoke to the DA and she was really a very nice woman, but she told me that because PJ was deceased now, that the case had been closed, but that DSS was now involved with the family, because, this wasn't the first time this girl had done this. But on the up side she also told me that there was no evidence at all that he done to her what she said he did, and that he would have been found innocent if he could have held out alittle longer. In some ways that makes me feel better, then in some ways it makes me mad as hell, that my son took his life because of a lie. it just isn't fair. I'm trying really hard to get back to being normal, but I don't know what that is anymore, this is the biggest nightmare of my life, wish I'd wake up. Again friends, I'm so sorry for the awful entry previously, but that's the way I feel at times, like it would be so much easier for all this to just end, I'm just really tired.
Comments
i am personally sorry that they are closing the case. what is to say that this girl wont just keep doing this down the line whenever she has a whim. this girl needs serious help. i am so sorry for the pain you are going thru. please speak to us on DS anytime you want about your wonderful son. we love hearing about each others children. we truly do. love, donna
misshimsooo
Don't ever be sorry for what you journal. That is the purpose, to vent your feelings. I'm just happy you are hanging in there, even if by a thread. I'm so sorry for your pain. I wish I could make it go away. It's so heartbreaking because we've all been there and know all too well those feelings. Please continue to give yourself time and be patient. It's so difficult but that is what we have to do. You are so right to recognize that it wouldn't be fair to your other two boys and they need to know that you love them just as much, so you persevere for them and for PJ. That is what he would want. Here for you. Love Robin
Robin4
Thank you guys again, what would I do without all of your support, seems this is the only place where I can go and be totally honest about my feelings. I'm a firm believer in what goes around comes around, so I wouldn't want to be this girl that accused my son of this heinous crime, God help her when her time comes. Thanks agin to all of you, love Bev
PJsmom
As Robin says, never say sorry for something you have written in a journal, that's the best part about DS, even the things we can't say or don't want to say to our closest friends, we can say here in our journals. Many of us have felt that life sucks and we want out at some stage since our children passed over, no matter how or when they died. Your circumstances make it so frustrating. I remember wanting to talk about my son for months after he died and I felt that people were getting sick of it, so I wrote here instead. Now I still talk about Frazer to my friends and family, but not as much. I think they feel overwhelmed and unable to help so they get frustrated with me if I show them how I really feel, even 17 months on. Be gentle on yourself, the 'what if's' can drive you crazy so they're best left unasked. Big hugs, Charlotte.
FJsMum
Please never apologize for sharing your feelings with us! I have written things and then the next day felt like I should delete it but recieved replies that made me feel less crazy. I think we all know the feeling of being on the border of "crazy". My son, Michael (age 33 of heroin overdose) died being on the Sexual Offender List. He should not have been on that horrible useless list. If it had not been for the list, he probably would have lived. I fought it for years but my fight is over. This list will continue to destroy the lives of many and their children. I had better shut up now LOL before I have everyone against me for speaking out on what is a national failure but is popular with votes. BTW, my son spent 3 years in prison and was on the list for a sex crime that he never had. Agggg. It is over so shut up self! He is, thankfully, off that list now. Please feel free to write and do so often. It is healing and we are all here for each other. No matter what the circumstances are. Love, Belinda
BinkyH
Belinda, I totally agree with you, that's what PJ was being charged with, and was afraid he was going to jail for something he didn't do, then the stigma of having to live with that for the rest of his life was to much for him, so he did the only thing he thought he could do, if he could only have held on for alittle longer, he'd have been found innocent, but I guess he was just scared out of his mind, and I don't blame him, just wish he could have held on, I miss him so much. And I agree with you about the sex offenders list, it can ruin peoples lives, don't get me wrong, I believe if you did something like that, you should pay, but if there's any doubt, they shouldn't be on it. I'll be in trouble now with that statement!!! And I firmly believe that these girls that falsley accuse a man of doing something like this should be charged, regardless of their age, they've ruined a persons life and then they get to go on, it's not right. Anyway, thanks again for all the understanding, it's a huge help. Love to all, Bev
PJsmom
Never apologize for expressing what you are feeling...you know if we cannot say how we feel here...then where? If you feel like others are tired of hearing about PJ...then tell us...talk any time...all the time...whenever. It isn't fair...it hurts...all we want is for you to feel safe here...and for you to be as okay as you can be. Take care of you...love and hugs...Karen
biowoman
One thing for sure is we can always be honest and express our true feelings on here to other mom's who know how we feel. No reason to be sorry for expressing your feelings. Hope you are feeling a little better. Write about PJ anytime....we are here for you. Hugs, Kim
KimRW
You never have to apoligize for letting your feeling out here. This is the one place that we can. We do not have to put on a false face for the world. Keeping the anger bottled up is not healthy so let it out. You can talk about PJ here anytime. Sending you much love and hope you can find some peace. Denice
Denice442