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PJsmom 
3:57pm, May 31, 2009
You know, I thought as time went on this road would get alittle easier, it's so hard to believe that PJ's been gone for only 4 months. I look at his pictures everyday, and wonder how he came to this point. He didn't have a bad life, we did the best we could for him, why did he have to meet these people that did this to him? What led him to them, and when he told me he wasn't happy, why did he stay. I just don't understand anymore. My mind just isn't there anymore, I get so confused and forget everything. If he had listened to me and left, he'd still be here. I hate having to put on this fake face everyday, so people think your ok, when inside you just feel this incedible pain that refuses to go away. What am I going to do, I'm not sure I really want to find out. It's like every minute of every day is spent thinking about PJ, things he'd said or done or won't ever be able to do. I do try to go on, but it's like for every step you take forward, you get knocked back 3, and I so hate having to act like I'm the strong one, when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and just go away. I feel so selfish sometimes, always wanting what you can't have. If there is a God, why did he let this happen? Pj was a good person, he'd do anything for anyone, so why did this happen to him? I guess I just have alot of why's lately and there's no answers. I miss him so much, I miss my goob. I love you PJ.
Comments
i lost my son in April. We are close together on this journey. Yes, we do think all day about our sons. Even when we are doing something else, talking about something else, our sons are on our minds. There's no getting around this.
I've found though, that the more I do that I would not really chose to do , the better I feel. Acting "as if" (as if your heart was not breaking) is helpful.
Don't be hard on yourself though. I was getting confused driving in my own town and forgetting EVERYTHING. I still have to keep a close eye on myself when driving. I still have to take notes. My grief counselor advised me on this. Keep a notebook of appointments, phone numbers, anything that you will be called on to remember. He also suggested getting a GPS for my car, but I can't afford one. All that you are speaking of is normal.
I have some days when I can rely on myself still. I was talking to my mechanic recently about how I get lost, he said, "Because you are thinking of him all the time." I felt like WOW someone understands! My friends think I have low blood sugar or sleep apnea or a whole host of things, when it is grief.
I can say it does get better.
As to your whys...we all have them no matter what the circumstances. I really think suicide is an act committed impulsively in most cases. At that point in time, you son found it harder to live than to die. He alone made the choice. But know he really IS in a better place! AND there is only a very fine veil that separates him from you.
It's so hard to see one's way out of all of this, but there is a path. The moms on here have left a path to follow. Light has been shed on it. Let's hold on to that.
Much love,
Sus
Soosanah
my heart aches for you, i am having a rough time lately, this grief just comes in waves, i think i am drinking too much wine, which when on antidepressants, you are not supposed to do, just depresses me further. ugh. just feeling sorry for myself. i am on my laptop in bed and was just crying thinkging about troy and how he would sneak up the stairs and then bang in the hallway and try to scrare me. how i wish he would do that again.
God bless you my friend. love, donna
misshimsooo
This is such a difficult journey and we can drive ourselves crazy with asking why, because as you say, there are no answers. At 4 months the pain is still so raw. I am now 15 months into this journey and I stil think about my son all the time, there are still times when I am very aware that I am wearing a mask, but I have gotten used to it so this is now 'normal' for me and somehow I cope and even manage to feel joy sometimes. We can focus on the what if's, but in the end they will drag us down because we can't change anything. Whether we believe that this was 'meant to happen' that it was 'God's will' or simply accept that life sucks sometimes, I think accepting that he is gone and isn't coming back has been the key for me. However, 4 months in I was nowhere near that acceptance. I look back on my journals and remember those confused feelings, everything from extreme sadness to anger to just not knowing what I was doing. Be gentle on yourself and know that it will get easier eventually, although it will not happen suddenly. It also won't happen smoothly. It seems to come and go, then hit harder at times, then feel better. I think those early months are a bit like having an anesthetic wear off and the pain gets worse before it gets better. One breath at a time, keep writing it down. We are here to help. All my love, Charlotte.
FJsMum
It takes time...so much time to ever feel like you are moving forward...or that you are okay. PJ has only been gone a very short time...confusion is normal. Your mind is having to deal with the worst thing possible...so do not overthink that...it will improve. It does get easier after a long while...but just as I wrote in my journal...sometimes I think that perhaps I am not as far along as I think that I am. You keep hanging in there...and love and a big ole hug...for you...Karen
biowoman
One thing I can testify to is it does get better. I'm not sure if it gets easier or we bear the pain a little better. However, you are still so new in this journey and you can't rush things. As you said, for a while it will be like taking a step forward and two or three back. As time goes, you will even out in your steps and then actually take one forward. That's not to say that every once in a while you won't slip back but you will know that a good day will come again. It's been over two years since I lost my son. He doesn't consume my every thought anymore but not a day goes by that I haven't thought of him. We have to hurt to recover and there's a whole lot of hurting to do. Be patient with yourself, take care of yourself and it's hard not to ask why but it won't be answered in our earthly life. Much love. Robin
Robin4
I agree with everyone else, it does get better. I recently had someone tell me not to feel guilty because of who I am not or what other people think I should be or where I should be in grief. Grief is a journey, and like alot journey's they have their ups and downs. Eventually, you will have more up days as the journey progresses. Learning to be patient with yourself is the hardest. As far as answers why, there are mysteries in this life we just won't be able to understand. I love you and pray that God will carry you as you walk this journey.
Love
Debbie
deborahd
Four months is not enough time to expect anyone to be over what you have gone through. It has been 1 year and 8 days since Chad died, and I still can't go through his pictures or even the sympathy cards people sent. The lack of concentration is a part of it all. I still have my days. Hoping you will have a better day.
Hugs, Barbara
doxylady
Oh honey, 4 months is not much time at all. Please don't expect anything from yourself. I have been on this journey almost 13 months and am just feeling like I can find a bit of joy every day. I haven't moved anything in Nic's room, I can now just look at pictures, but not always. Each day is different. The pain is still there, just buried a little deeper so that I can go on with my day. This is a pain like no other. This is a grief like no other. Just take baby steps. You will never stop missing your son, or longing for him. But I do think you will learn to live with this broken heart, and you will smile again. When I first got on this group, and people would tell me that I would be able to smile at the memories, I didn't believe them. But it does come with time. I still cry many tears, just not as frequently. I still have major breakdowns, but not as frequently. You will get through this. You're still in shock. Take one day at a time. And please know that God did not "do this" to you. He is there FOR you. He is sad WITH you. Lean on Him. Talk to Him. And keep talking to us. We'll help you through this dark tunnel. Love, Julia
JulsMarie
It does take a long time. And it will feel for a long time like as you take one step forward, you get knocked back three. I am 20 months into this and it still hurts more than anything, but it has gotten a little softer and there are better days. Still have rough days, but the good are coming along more & more. Hang in there. We all still question all the why's and I don't think there will ever be a time when we don't think about them. But that part is ok with me...I always want to remember and think about them. Grieve in your own way, but do give it some time. We're here for you !! Hugs, Kim
KimRW
Oh dear! I wonder how can it be that it has been 6 months since I was writing the very same words? PJ has only been gone for 4 months: you are most likely just coming out of shock. You have so much ahead. I will tell you something that a kind person from Compassionate Friends told me. She said that this will get worse before it gets better. And it is true. Please stay with this group. You are going to go through many things in the upcoming months and we can help you along. This group has been my lifesaver. You have an ever changing journey ahead and I am here to help you, just as those ahead have helped me. Love Belinda
BinkyH