Journal

please, please, dear lady, rely on your medication if you need too. this is a time of year when we really have to. i have increased my depression medication back to the full dose. i cut it in half, but my son's 1st year anniversary of his death and birthday 10 days before that just put me over the edge in oct. i rely on this and dont apologize to anyone for it. your grief is so new and raw sweetie. please be gentle with yourself. thinking of you. love, donna

I personally think, though tormenting, it is normal that we visualize the scene. For quite some time, I dwelled on the accident scene when Chad was killed. With all the help, both professional and non, I don't do it as often. I think that has helped with the healing.
Since losing my first son, December 30th, 1975, Christmas is very difficult for me. Now, it is even worse. Chad so loved Christmas. He knew I didn't want to decorate, but he encouraged and helped me. His help made it a little easier. When he moved out on his own, I gave him all our Christmas decorations. When I cleaned out his apartment, I didn't find any of it. I guess he had it stored at a friends that knew I would not want any of it back.
I wish you could be with your other children during this time.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, friend.
Hugs, Barbara

I have gone "there" before...many times. It is normal...but I do not know if it is good or bad. I just know it is hard. It is two and one half years today for Alex. It is hard. I will not think of that day any more today...love and hugs...Karen

When the thoughts of the day my son died come into my mind, I try so hard to replace them with thought of other happy times. It does help me some. I hope you find some comfort and peace my friend. Hugs, Kim

Bev, I do it too! My son, Michael, died of a drug overdose on a bathroom floor. And like you, I did not find him but his friend described it to me. With the exception of my own bathroom, I cannot go into one without the visual thing going on in my mind. The EMT's in my son's case tried to do everything to save him but he was dead in the ambulance. I don't do meds at this point but I do put myself to sleep with the help of Seagrams Seven. I am not sure what is the worst poison. All I can tell you is that this group has been my strength, my support, my friends and is the place that I come to when I feel like no one else could possibly understand. Love to you, Belinda

There are so many triggers for sending us into the pit, and the holidays seem to do it for all of us. I'm sorry your other children are so far away. I too often thought of the accident scene. Tormenting myself in the beginning imagining the horror, the pain, the fear, Kala must have experienced. I've been blessed by three people telling me Kala did not suffer. The first was the coroner. The second was when a friends daughter had a visitation from Kala during a dream, and the third was through a conversation I had with a medium. I have been able to let those thoughts go for the most part. It's just natural for a mother to want to protect her child and keep them safe from harm. We ache when they skin their knee's....burying them leaves us devastated. I know how much you miss PJ and how heartbroken you are. You are not alone my friend. We will survive this together. Take care of yourself in any way necessary. Much love, Teri

oh my friend, i am so sorry for what is going on with you. i think it goes on with all of us, and in different waves. i am so sorry for your loss. i have read your profile a number of times. did anything ever happen to the party who may have been responsible for the awful lies your son was accused of? i agree with you, sometimes i feel i am more awful than when my son first died, because reality starts to set in. are you in any kind of counseling or any type of support group. i am in a support group through hospice that i find some comfort in at times. they only meet monthly, but i guess that is better than nothing and i can reach out to members i have gotten to know. this hurt we have is so so deep. it is like a rotten sore, that just reaches down to the depths of our being. again i am so sorry for your loss. i truly am. i found it hard to stuff my feelings, even though i tried, i would do an explosion when i least expected it, and sorry to say still do. please let me know anytime you want to talk, not that i would be of help, but i try to be a better listener than i was before my son's accident. love, donna

I read somewhere that the pain is intolerable - and then it gets worse. It is one of the most honest descriptions I have ever seen of what we go through.

It does get worse and I think that must be when our mind is starting to realize the truth: they are not at camp, not at Grandma's, not on vacation. They are gone from our physical world and nothing we do can change it. I searched for time travellers, magicians and anyone else I could think of to get my son back, certain that there was a way to make it happen and feeling stupid for not being able to figure it out.

Most of us have also been through the wanting to be with them stage, too. I would guess that is probably pretty common yet we usually have the ability to refrain from following through with it. Before you get to that point, get help. Do you have any local support, as Donna mentioned? Have you spoken with your doctor about a good therapist or, possibly, a mild anti-depressant for a few months? Sometimes it's a good if temporary way to ease the pain.

You ARE strong; you've made it through the worst of it and though the rest of the journey isn't easy, it will get better over time. People used to say you learn to live with the pain and I didn't know what that meant. Now, I do. It's not something easily explained, but you do learn (like it or not) to live with it. Be with us. Talk with these other women who absolutely understand where you are. None of us can fix it for each other, but we can share our support, our love, our caring. Let us be there for you? Barbara

I'm so sorry for your pain and the funk. We all know that place. I too often wanted to join my son. Somehow I stuck it out. How...I don't know? I think I had a great family support system and definitely these amazing women held me up. Then slowly, ever so slowly there were good days. Then they became more frequent. Now the bad days are the exception. You will get there too. Please let us help and know we are all here for you. Much love. Robin

I think you have described exactly how all us moms feel or have felt sometime along this journey. This is the new normal for us. But you will one day be able to smile or laugh at the memories you have of your son. I don't think it will ever go away...only get a little softer. I do go to Compassionate Friends meetings once a month, and it has really helped me along. Maybe they have a chapter where you live. Just continue to come here for support and express your feelings and emotions when ever you need to. There is a lot of understanding here. Love, Kim

i didn't think i would ever get through my grief over losing my daughter, but i am starting to find some peace. I hope you do too. She didn't die of suicide but she did have some mental health problems and was severely depressed for two years and took several overdoses in that period, so i do understand somewhat. I too wanted to die and be with Cheryl. I used to constantly think about lying down in a field and staying there and never getting up. Part of me wanted to stay in my grief as to move on would be to deny her. There was a day i felt i had to write something and i closed my eyes and put a pencil to a pad and i wrote "Mum don't you think you owe Chris and Steven something better, Cheryl. Chris and Steven are Cheryl's brothers. Whether this was conscious, unconscious or spiritual it made me stop and think. Sometimes i feel i let her down in life. Now i feel i don't want to let her down in death.

I remember where you are...it is a bad, sad place...I remember how the sorrow causes physical pain...does it go away...the real, physical pain does go away...periodically you will "feel" the pain again...but what will remain is sadness. There will be joys again if you allow it...but it takes time. I remember wanting my old normal back...now my normal is coping with, living with the loss of my son. You will find a way to do this too. You will have to work to obtain this goal however...it will not happen without work. Enjoy what you can...let yourself enjoy things...it may take quite a while to really feel things...but never give up hope. Take care of you...love and hugs...Karen

Hi with tears. i know how much this painful and hard for the mother's heart. still early noe to get over this 6 months not enough to be strong but with ur believe with the support u have gradually u will feel that u can live again. for me it takes one year and half to think again that i need to live for my kids and for myself too. if u can cry do it , u can talk to him as i do. i know after our kids died life changed we bacame fake. it m is ok but later on u will accept that we
will never meet them but they still need our prayers, and still need us stronge as they know us.

Yes, I understand. My heart hurt so much I thought it would explode. My son…my only child died in 2007, so I am further down the road. However, I still cry. Even when the tears are not evident I am crying inside. It is a sorrowful desolate empty feeling. Yes, I still pray everyday to join my son. I do not believe we will ever be the same as we were before our children died. But I think it will get easier.

I understand. I am a mere 6 months ahead of you on this journey and while the physical pain has subsided, the sadness has increased and I suspect it will for the rest of my life. Yet, I learn to live this new normal of mine. I will be honest in that I still want to "go" to be with my son, but I just keep working and trying to do the best that I can to honor his life. Like others, I know that I will never be the same again. So I just have to be gentle on myself and learn how to live it out. Love and hugs to you. Belinda

i am personally sorry that they are closing the case. what is to say that this girl wont just keep doing this down the line whenever she has a whim. this girl needs serious help. i am so sorry for the pain you are going thru. please speak to us on DS anytime you want about your wonderful son. we love hearing about each others children. we truly do. love, donna

Don't ever be sorry for what you journal. That is the purpose, to vent your feelings. I'm just happy you are hanging in there, even if by a thread. I'm so sorry for your pain. I wish I could make it go away. It's so heartbreaking because we've all been there and know all too well those feelings. Please continue to give yourself time and be patient. It's so difficult but that is what we have to do. You are so right to recognize that it wouldn't be fair to your other two boys and they need to know that you love them just as much, so you persevere for them and for PJ. That is what he would want. Here for you. Love Robin

As Robin says, never say sorry for something you have written in a journal, that's the best part about DS, even the things we can't say or don't want to say to our closest friends, we can say here in our journals. Many of us have felt that life sucks and we want out at some stage since our children passed over, no matter how or when they died. Your circumstances make it so frustrating. I remember wanting to talk about my son for months after he died and I felt that people were getting sick of it, so I wrote here instead. Now I still talk about Frazer to my friends and family, but not as much. I think they feel overwhelmed and unable to help so they get frustrated with me if I show them how I really feel, even 17 months on. Be gentle on yourself, the 'what if's' can drive you crazy so they're best left unasked. Big hugs, Charlotte.

Please never apologize for sharing your feelings with us! I have written things and then the next day felt like I should delete it but recieved replies that made me feel less crazy. I think we all know the feeling of being on the border of "crazy". My son, Michael (age 33 of heroin overdose) died being on the Sexual Offender List. He should not have been on that horrible useless list. If it had not been for the list, he probably would have lived. I fought it for years but my fight is over. This list will continue to destroy the lives of many and their children. I had better shut up now LOL before I have everyone against me for speaking out on what is a national failure but is popular with votes. BTW, my son spent 3 years in prison and was on the list for a sex crime that he never had. Agggg. It is over so shut up self! He is, thankfully, off that list now. Please feel free to write and do so often. It is healing and we are all here for each other. No matter what the circumstances are. Love, Belinda

Never apologize for expressing what you are feeling...you know if we cannot say how we feel here...then where? If you feel like others are tired of hearing about PJ...then tell us...talk any time...all the time...whenever. It isn't fair...it hurts...all we want is for you to feel safe here...and for you to be as okay as you can be. Take care of you...love and hugs...Karen

One thing for sure is we can always be honest and express our true feelings on here to other mom's who know how we feel. No reason to be sorry for expressing your feelings. Hope you are feeling a little better. Write about PJ anytime....we are here for you. Hugs, Kim

You never have to apoligize for letting your feeling out here. This is the one place that we can. We do not have to put on a false face for the world. Keeping the anger bottled up is not healthy so let it out. You can talk about PJ here anytime. Sending you much love and hope you can find some peace. Denice