jewell7777's Journal

 sos everything happened so fast,  everything changed and it changed so fast i didnt even see ...

i lost my art college, church/person i was atatched to / job 

all in a week and a half... it made me forget things and all i was focused on was surviving. 

 God looked after me

 then all i had was my counselour/new pastor.

 then he left  and lied to me 

but thats not the point 

 the point is that i moved away  to a small town where is is quiet and they dont really like strangers.

 they are stuck in their ways i think

 they arent the point though either

i Feel  like 

i am in an episode of lost

haha 

somewhere i sometimes dont want to be but there is nowhere else to be

i have a ohuse and enough money to live and my cats and a big yard which makes me happy

i am blessed

so why am i sad 

mabey i miss my old life in ways..

 as ai am thawing out 

mameories of what i ve lost are comng back

 i am gone and i am new 

in my imagination its like i died...

im living in a dream 

like on lost , where they crashed and ended up on an island ..

 they thought they were stuchk and wanted to go home

 but at home they didnt have whatthey had on the island

 at hometheir life was  iserable, they were unhappy,

 they had trauma and pain 

oon the island they made new frineds

 of course the  "others" wanted to kill them 

but thats not the point

i stay in my house all the time coz i cant relate to the people inthis town.  they are all farmers 

they dont understand cats  and i have 8 cats so they think im weird

it hurts me when they talk about killing animals but they think im weird and talk about it anyways

a frined ive made who used to be my neighbor .. shes ok. shes like she is perfect. 

laughts at me and thinks its ok to say i say dumb things sometimes just coz i make jokes about the dumb things i say. 

i said i wasnted to do a youtube cideo and she laughted .

like im a big joke

i dont say anything coz people who have borderline say things and get it wrong 

 jump to conclusions. so i dont know if i am or not.

 is it better  not to say anything at all

 that way i dont have to ask for forgivness i gues 

 my house is m y own little world i can close the doors and they are all out there and cant hurt me.

 sometimes being alone, i get better self esteem   and feel a little normal agiain  but then i forget and go out and come  home angry  and feeling like crap again .

tehy always make me cry

they probly think its funny

mabey i died and this is my dream   haha..

 dont worry i m not crazy  just imaginative  .

i want to LIVE my life but i dont know where to start.

my spisode of lost