blugreen's Journal

I guess the decision has been made.  We are going to split up after the vacation the first week of June, or at least start making the plans for the split.  I have known for a long time that it was coming.  I just kept telling myself it would get better.  I don't know what i am going to do once he's gone.  After 15 years with someone, how do you let go.  We met when we were just kids, 18 and 17, and were married a year later.  Everything was perfect for so long.  Why did i have to screw everything up?  I will never forgive myself.  I am lucky he stayed with me for this past year and half as it is.  I don't want him to find someone else and replace me.  I don't want someone else to see all of the sides of him that were always meant for me.  I feel like my world is coming to an end, but i don't see any other way for this marriage to work.  we have exhausted all means of help.  I know he loves me and he wishes he could get past things.  He wants more than anything to be able to raise the kids as a full time dad, he just can't get over the hurt and its time for me to give up the idea that he ever will, at least enough for us to be together.  I have told myself for so long that this could work, but i am now seeing that it just isn't the way for either one of us to live.  Neither one of us is truly happy.  I kept thinking that as long as he was with me and not someone else, that i didn't care if i was miserable.  But, i am beginning to think differently.  I look at other couples who have what we used to and i want that again.  I don't feel that after everything that has happened that we will ever have that together again.  I am so depressed and we haven't even split yet.  I am dreading it...