Journal

This is Valerie now. Can I just say that I love my husband? God knows I'm hard to live with and I really have no idea how he copes.

The withdrawls eased up late last week, though bad aches persisted. I've been having leg aches on and off for years but this is different. I've described it as it feels like my body, skin, bones, whatever just tighten up and hurt like hell, and that it feels almost like my skin is on too tight. My PM worked me in late yesterday afternoon and diagnosed Fibromyalgia. We knew it was coming, and I still need/want to see a rheumatologist for confirmation, but it makes so many things fall into place. Still, I don't know how to feel. Adding insult to injury, he let me know that he and the other doctor that I had been seeing there (and this other doctor was one I though of very highly) had been talking about my case and came to the realization that they had done pretty much all they can for me, and that I will likely be better off finding somewhere else to go to. I will say he said it nicely, and said it was humbling as a physician to realize there was not much else you can do for a patient. But it still hurt my feelings really bad. I have been taking it hard mainly because I loved the other dr. so much. I thought he would be the one to "fix" me. I'm SO TIRED of this. At my wit's end. I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE LIKE THIS. I do not want to spend every day in pain, grouchy, crying. I'm bipolar and just lost my big sister so that just adds to it. I dare not ask "where does it end" because I know the Lord will remind me, but still my shoulders are weak and I want a break. I need a break. My husband needs a break, my kids need a break. Hard to want to keep on keepin on when I feel like shit all the time.

My best friend in Mississippi emailed me some old pictures this morning. I howled with laughter, cried bittersweet tears. They were from two seperate trips we took to New Orleans, one was back in Aug. 2003(I think?) and one was Feb. 2006 just before I got married and moved here to TX. I look at those pictures and think "Where did that person go?". I had already begun to lose that part of myself just by moving here (long story, won't go there) but I feel with the chronic pain, my back being nothing but trouble, and most recently the loss of my sister, I just do not see that person anymore when I look in the mirror. It makes me sad.

This is Val's hubby again. She's had another rough day, sleeping a lot of it. She's been fine a good bit while she is awake. The stuff they prescribed is working for the most part, but she just went from hungry to nauseated and ready to throw up in about 5 minutes and had a crying fit of depression. We're trying to give her all the positive support we can, but it's hard for her to see much beyond the now and she cannot imagine this ever going away or making it to the end if it does.

She's trying to go to sleep now, so hopefully she'll get some relief that way. 

Thanks for the positive vibes.

This is Valerie's husband Tomaso, I'm writing this for her as she is going through withdrawls from the methadone. She was on it for 3 weeks, and she had been trying to step down the last 5 days or so due to massive nausea, reflux, etc. We saw her pain management doctor yesterday, and collectively made the decision to try oxycontin. He thought everything would be fine transitioing from methadone to oxycontin and did not mention side effects or anything we should be worried about, our mistake for not asking I suppose.

Anyhow, we're 52 hours or so into Valerie not having taken any metadone and she has been in withdrawl for the last 14 hours at least. She has been aching all over, it was hard to find a pulse and hard to tell if it is regular and she has been having trouble breathing, taking 3 short quick breaths where she would normally take one. She has described it as involuntary, and it looks similar to a muscle spasm to watch. She thought it was a panic attack this morning; we no longer believe this to be the case. She slept fitfully for bout 4 hours earlier, but she seemed okay while she was doing so.

We called the prctice handling her pain management and they called in lorazepam, dicylcomine and colonidine. The lorazepam seems to have helped with her breathing when the clonazepam couldn't, so maybe it is something to do with anxiety.

This is all very scary for us. She's trying to not make the kids worry, but is scared herself and I have no damned idea what I should be doing. I guess on the positive side the oxycontin seems to be working, but maybe it is just so much of everything else happening, she can't feel her back pain.

If anyone has some words of wsdom to pass along, please let us know. And if anyone if switching from methadone, make sure you ask about withdrawls. This sucks a whole lot,nobodyy should have to go through this..