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MeghanGypsy 
Hi, I am Meghan. I found this site while searching for people who had lost weight. I found a member of this site and her journal and video blogs. i then spent the next two days watching her entire journey. I have been big all my life. I have dieted and lost weight but always gained it back. I don't have insurance and so my dream of gastric bypass is only that a dream. So I have been sitting around for the past year feeling worthless, feeling like I could never be small without surgery. But after listening to her story I have dicided to give it a try AGAIN. I figured I might as well work hard, lose the weight and enjoy however long it might last. And if I gain it back later on maybe by then I will have insurance, or maybe this time I will keep it off. I have never before been supported in my weight loss, so maybe that will make the differance, who knows.
I am starting my journey at 294.8lbs. This is the biggest I have ever been and honestly I don't want to get to 300. I think my wake up call about how big I was getting came this past march. I was hospitalized with severe pancreatitus due to a gall stone blocking my bile duct. Then they had to take out my gallbladder because it was riddled with stones.
I have been a pretty healthy girl all my life. I have always been big but I kept mobile. I can even do full splits, and bend over straight legged and lay my hands flat on the floor, at this weight I am. So when I got sick it was a huge deal to me. I moved out to CA three years ago, biggest mistake of my life-long storyfor another time- and so when I got sick my mom had to fly out to take care of me and my puppy. I have never felt so helpless in all my life.
So now I am starting a new chapter in my life. On May 31st my best friend Heather is flying out to drive back to NH with me. We are making it a full on road trip and seeing Vegas, the Grand Canyon, and Memphis.
I want a new life. I think I want it so bad because I almost had it and let it slip away. When I moved to CA I began losing weight and I got at low at 192lbs. Mind you I started at 285lbs, so I lost alot of weight, then once I hit 192 I started to slip and slowly for the first few months I just relaxed my habits, and before I knew it I had put back on the wieght and then some. This wasen't the first time I had done this, in undergrad I got down to 175lbs with the help of Meridia, but when it stopped working my weight went back up.
I have an addiction to food, a strong emotional and physical addiction to food. But I think the worst part for me is the 'expectation' factor. Amelia79 talks about in one of her videos about expectations. She wasen't at her goal yet but was happy with the weight she was at because it felt comfy, normal, not fat not skinny. This is my biggest problem, once I get to a 'average' place I relax my diet plan, and I get into the trap of -oh I already ruined the day what does it matter if I have more-. It was this video she made that completely changed my thinking. It was an AH-HA moment. I finally got it, why I kept putting back on the weight. Because I don't think I deserve more than mediocrity, and it terrifies me.
I figured out what it is that I am afraid of. As a big girl I can always blame someone not liking me, or more importantly a man not finding me attractive, on my weight. but if I lose ALL the weight then if someone doesn't like me, or the worst men don't find me attractive, then I have nothing to blame it on, then it's me, the core of who I am out there for the whole world to hate.
Well I have a bit of time before then, still gotta get down a bit before that issue arises again. So here I am, first journal, first step on my road.
Did well today, sticking to my 1200 cal diet. 300 am 100 snack 300 lunch 100 snack 300 dinner 100 snack. love those 100 cal packs. Then I am just trying to walk for 30min every other day, just for the first few wekks, then increase. I find that because I am very mobile and move alot, just cutting calories at the begining makes me lose lots of weight. And if I exercise too much at the begining I end up plateauing alot. My body adjusts very fast, so I have to be careful of that otherwise I will lose a ton at first, then nothing for weeks. It all equals out in the end, but I find if I see no progress I tend to lose motivation. So I would rather see a slow an steady decent rather than a fast stop and go thing.
Well I guess that is it for now.
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Comments
Very moving journal! Loved it! You did it before, you know how to do it! This time you are going to complete the journey! I just know you are!
I have one suggestion...I think 1200 calories is to low. Your body will think it is starving and hang onto the fat stores for survival.
I got this info from Redbook site------------So how many calories should you consume? Depending on your level of activity, you can safely lose anywhere from half a pound to two pounds a week if you multiply your current weight by 11, says Applegate. (For example, if you're 120 pounds, aim for around 1,320 calories a day.) Unless you're less than five feet tall, don't let your daily calories dip below 1,200. "Research shows that women who consume less than this amount see their resting metabolic rate plummet by as much as 45 percent," notes Dale Huff, R.D., a St. Louis nutritionist.
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I would then recalculate this formula every 10-15 pounds lost.
Have a super week!
JoyceMarilyn
Just wanted to wish you strength and luck on your journey. With the help of my DS friends and determination I have lost over 120 pounds since February of 2008. At 5'1" I have gone from 269 to 146 now. You can do it too. What you realized about deserving more than mediocrity is a big key in finding success. Setting short term exercise goals here works so well for me. Daily journals with my food log attached for accountability are so helpful to me. Just knowing I am not alone in the struggle is a huge comfort. Sometimes it feels so isolating having a food addiction, but having DS is invaluable. I hope it works for you as well as it is working for me.
At caloriescount.com you can calculate the ideal # of calories in relation to your activity that you should be eating to lose or maintain. You don't have to join that site just go to "view diet assessment calculator".
((HUGS)) Good luck!
Emily75
Hi. Don't feel you are "out there" for the whole world to hate! (what you said). When we're rejected, often it IS because of our weight. That's the society we live in. BUT no matter what our weight, some people will accept us for who we are. I'm 63 years old, was once well over 300 lbs. The slimmest I've been in my adult life is 200 lbs. My goal is to break that 200 mark and never go back! But regardless of what my weight was at any time in life, I found this little verse very helpful to remember:
"Some folks treat me mean,
some folks treat me kind,
most folks they just go their way
don't pay me any mind."
LivingWater