EddieCarey's Journal

Again today I called the testing lab, wanted to go over my results again.

The Blood serum test was infact positive, i can't believe it I just can't. I've gone thru all this for nothing. It was good news but I was so furious, anger tensed me up. I got up to get a drink and my body set into spasms, I collasped and hit the floor. I don't know how I looked but I could not breath my arms twisted I could not even try to get up. My son came to help me but I just struck out at him not being able to see him. He run his fingers thru my hair and rubbed my back. He went and got me a pillow and helped me get it under my head, not the first time that he has done that for me, most likely the last either. I laid on the floor for I don't know how long everytime I tried to get up would start another set of spasms, the pain in my back is enough to keep me down by choice but the spasms I don't have a choice.

Good news. last new before this was Hey great news you don't have prostate cancer but expect the bleeding to continue. Hey all of your test are negitive I can't prescribe you anything. Hey you don't have ulcers it just your entire stomach lining. You blood suager is out of control because insulin is loosing it effectiveness on you. There's nothing else we can give you for cholestrol you have the myopathy reaction and the other causes stomach cramps, just try to keep the cholestrol down or you'll ahve another heart attack. hey there's problems with you pacemaker battery it may need early replacement..... again. And all of my doctors tell me stress is going to kill me before anything else. Sorry every med we have tried to perscribe for depression has caused seriuos side effects and the other ones conflict with the meds you are already on. I'm sorry your what we call hypersensative that's why you can feel you pacemaker working and have that sensation in you head and feel your heart change rythm and the flopping is what we call missed or skipped beat. and when you feel you heart tacking into your throat expect the 8 volt jolt not much to be done about that sir it's just the way it is, sorry we can perscribe you anything to help you sleep what we can is not effective and what your insurance won't pay for takes double doses and causes other serious side effects.. I see your smoking is it to calm you nerves, we canpt give you the patch because of side effects but I suggest that you only cut down and not quit it may cause undue stress and stress is like diminos to your others illness that you have and may cause an upset like you had last week, we know you refuse the hospital even when paramedics feared you were having a heart attack. Son when you have a seizure you need to got the hospital, son when your nitro stops working you need to go the the hospital, son before you slam you head into the floor again to get away from the pain you need to go to the hospital.

I get all kinds of news I think it's all bad I'm told alot of things and I don't want to heard it anymore. I want to go to the hospital but they treat me like an animal and an addict and sometimes hurt me, I've even had an ambulance called for me after being in a ER from phyical damage and receiving morphene, I have severe confirmed allergies to IV morphene, nsaids (a damn range of med), Statons an about 3 others I can't think of right now. I get other great news that I have to get more tests and more tests. Vomitting is normal it will pass hopefully in a couple of days call me if there is a presistance of blood. That odor is the high amount of insulin you take you will get use to it but others will notice. The meidcations that you take will cause insomnia but try to sleep. I.m sorry about the manhood aspect of your illness, I have no manhood I have not had anything to do with my manhood for over seven years and i'm not even interested, manhood could kill me.

What next, I sorry about you appendages they won't grow back, I starting to think that what my future will be until nothing is left. Like my doctor told me "Your just too stupid to die, most people would have already" What do you do when a doctor tell you "Well you can't be called terminal but all your illness are killing each other and you along with it. Your not getting better your getting worse and we've tried everything for years now and right now your pretty bad"

maybe I need to write my dreams in this journal when I can sleep, there is no peace in them but I need to get them out

It's not by will and I am so gadamn tired so tired. I don't want any more news, no more tests, no more meds, no more. This is not my fault, I just want it to stop, I would just want me to stop.