EddieCarey's Journal

I have spent last night, yesterday the night before and then the day before in bed unable to get up because of the pain. I was denied the meds that help with the musle spasms but the pain meds not the pain pump trial help with this condition. It has been two months now where first they did not listen and now being denied over a week ago and I cann talk to the PM untl the first. When I mother calls I tell my son not to say anything just he needs to bring me the phone, I refuse to let her know how bad it is, I have to keep from crying whe I speak to her. Today coming back from the gas station I was pulled over and needed to be helped from my car and laid on the ground where I vomited, urinated on myself and screamed, he wanted an ambulance but I refused completely and tried my best to explain. he helped me into my car and followed me home then helped me to my door crying all of the way, I am shamed, I am a grow man. yesterday I was able to go to the bathroom with the help of my son where on the toilet I had an attack of the spasms where I feel off of the toilet and hurt my arm along with not be able to stop what I was in there for to begin with. My sond threatened to break down the door if I did not stop making the noises he heard. He compared it to a cat being killed, and I could not let him see what his father had done.

This doctor promised me that I would not experience this when I explained that it had been done to me before by another PM just not listening to what I was telling him. I ended up in withdrawl. After days of my heart racing in tacacardia and my pacmaker doing what it does best slamming my heart for doin what comes natural when your in withdrawl. I begged my now ex to kill me anyway she could the next time a wave of pain would cause me to pass out. She said she understood why and what I wanted because on top of the spinal pain and the attacking muscle spasms my neurophty was so bad that mearly touching me cause me to scream in agony. Pain makes Pain makes Pain and then stress. I had two requests One to see my parients pastor, they were thinking he's no longer an atheist, I made him promise that he would be there for my parents and demanded he would help them thru losing their son finally after fearing so many times before with my heart condition. My last wish was not to be taken to ER when I lost conscienceness and my last request was kept, My family said that I did not move for 3 days and barely uttered a word. A doctor later agreed I could have died and that is what my wishes were, even then I was tired of this fight I want it to be over and I will not do it again. This time I am deeper in prescribed addition and deeper in depression I not because of being suscidial I do not want to survive it I simply cannot face the horrors of what my body and my pacemaker will do to me. I can't let my family watch it all over again they've cried enough already. I can't help but feel that everyone would think he's better off he's at peace now where he's at there is no more pain. And that's a place I dream of and have longing for, when I actually don't dream about being in pain and torn apart by an animal I dream of a place where there is no pain. I've slammed my head into the floor to knock myself out I have pulled out hair by the handfuls, it's not frustration or anger anymore, i am accepting as before it is something worth dying for and I have no more fear of it just fear in feeling another brutal attack that may last for days and being like a screaming babe that needs help, I can't do this anymore sorry if I've let anyone down, I got alot to decide before I talk to this person this PM he dosn't care did not help me and charged me a copay just to tell me that the papers in his hands had more value than my life and effectively that is exactly what he done. I've got alot to think about and I will try to reflect them here. If you read this please don't try to cheer me up it makes it worse. Please don't talk to me of gods I have faced death before at my whims of my own body and the battlefield I did not need it then and it will only offend me. Just let me be and let me get out what I need to say I will leave directions for my son to finish here if I do the worst. If not I will get better on my own and it will reflect. I've never had the opp to write down my feelings like this before and it helps. And one of the things I tried to get help with on my last visit was exactly this. Not sure but I guess I was not worth the time to even refer to see a physc. I guess it must be tough if you read all of this, it was even harder writing it, I pride myself on hiding what I feel and only showing a smile in the deepest of pain and I have even now lost that ability I hate family seeing me like this I can't fake everyone thing is ok and it kills my mom, I hate not being able to fake to the world I'm alright and if I fake to myself I just a liar who can't hide anything anymore I can't even hide behind my own smile and I am ashamed.