Bawnie's Journal

I have to go to the dentist tomorrow to have a tooth pulled and I am anxious.  I have had some bad experiences in the past and although I want to try to think positive, it's hard! 

Since losing my job in Dec. 2008 and my Mom dieing in April 2009, and being snowed in for almost the entire winter here, I really got myself good and DEPRESSED!!!  And the rain we've had here for the past 3 weeks has just been the icing on the cake.

I spent the morning looking up social workers and psychologists online and against my health plan but I haven't made a selection yet. 

I made a list last week of about 10 things I NEED to do.  I have checked off 3 that were easy but can't bring myself to tackle the others.

I hate this feeling and have a sister that is not interested in anything I feel or do....she has her own issues.  I have 2 brothers out of state, one adores me but can't help me because he has stress issues, and my other brother I rarely talk to.  My Mom kept me feeling I had some value and now that she's gone, I'm on my own.

I haven't thought of suicide really....but there have been a few times when crazy thoughts have flown through my mind.  I know this is just my grief and that hopefully i will NOT ever consider such a thing...but who knows?  Even though I loved my Mom, she sort of abused me all my life and what's weird is .... now that she's gone, I am at a loss in a big way....but I can't remember too many things I liked about her.  This is making me feel guilty also.

Sorry to go on and on....I am reaching out.  Thanks for listening.