ItsMyDream2's Journal

So on Thursday I reached out and tried again and it was great until I messed it all up this weekend.  On thurs I talked with a really good friend of mine, who I completely trust and adore and finally opened up to her about my ed, and she was extremely helpful and supportive, although I do think it scared her quite a bit after I told her about how many ppl thought I should be in the hospital instead, but that's ok, she took it pretty well and is now very helpful in watching out for old habbits etc, so that she can point them out to me when they occur and what not.  and it was great, just talking with her helped me realize a lot, and I left feeling very supported and proud of myself.

I just wish I hadn't ruined it with this weekend.  I still plan to eventually do the things I'd come up with as ways to thank those that have helped me and to show I'm making progress, but I feel I can't complete them in the state of mind I'm now in after the wedding this weekend and after seeing all the pics from it.  I know it's bad, but I just feel like I looked so awful in them all and people either commented out of the ordinary things for me, or just looked at me like I was crazy and I think it really messed with my brain.  I know my view is distorted and all but I truely beleive I looked AWFUL in every single one of the pics.  I wish I could say I was upset that I'm still loosing weight, and had you asked me on Thurs after I talked with my friend, I would have said that I was, but after this weekend, Ed has consumed my every thought and I can't help but want to lose even more weight.

A friend I haven't talked to in a while, b/c I've been in NY and she got married last month was at the weding and wants to hang out.  she seemed to be fixated on the weight that I'd lost, and while that made me feel good, it was also very uncomfortable because she mentioned it every chance she had.  She doesn't know about Ed and ordinarily I wouldn't have minded telling her b/c we are quite close adn we've been through a lot over the years but again, now that I've falen back into Ed's frame of mind, I feel I can't talk about it openly with her, b/c it's currently difficult for me to say that I want it to go away.  had this weekend not have happened I think I would have been fine, but it's really thrown me through a loop to spend time with all those ppl I hadn't seen in ages who only ever really pretended to care, and being the same fake old me this weekend was terrible.

I don't know.  I feel as though I have made progress in divorcing Ed as I did speak with my other friend about it the other day and the fact that I'm aware of my chaning in the state of mind is a good thing, b/c I've noticed the difference, I just wish I was at a strong enough point where I could fight off the feelings that have returned.  regardless, the speaking out about Ed and reaching out for help last week, as well as acknowledging that I don't currently wish to do much about it IS in fact a step forward and I will credit myself with such a step.  Still, I do hope, wish, and plan to continue trying even if I'm not currently in the state of mind to do so.  I hope.  Gosh I HATE Ed!  He makes everything so DAMN DIFFICULT.