Journal

Where My Silence Ends
A time comes when silence is betrayal,
When Barbie’s become Beauty's restrained portrayal.
But it’s a gilded assassination
propaganded across the nation.

Lost in the moonlight black
forcing through the tiny crack
in a bitter strife
—the fight for my life.

Enshrouded in conflicting voices,
I push for suffrage in my choices.
The time has come; it’s a power scandal
only brought to light by a flickering candle.

The media--it's my own KKK;
My personal dissatisfaction, makes me their perfect prey.
They glare at me in disgust,
like an old scrap of metal tainted by rust,

They leave no one there to console
after putting me in pain.
My silence covers me in charcoal
they’ll wash away with poison rain.

Worried and restless,
scared to admit, and longing to confess;
fears of death begin trickling through.
I'm tired of  the voices, I fight to subdue.

So I'm really freaked out. the nutritionalist just told me there is a really good chnace that after my next blood work i'll be admitted to the hospital. She said the only reason my lab work adn heart rate and pressure appear normal is b/c of the diet pills I'm on and they are giving a
'false positive'. she wants me to stop taking them adn then come back in for more blood work and she says that if what she thinks is right than I'll be admitted.

She gave me two weeks to stop taking them at least long enough for it to be out of my system so the lab work will be more acurate. I dont have an official dr right now, so every time I see someone diff who tells me something diff and looks at me like I'm crazy cuz I tell them I have Ed and my labs appear normally and my weight is fairly normal. They never weigh me acurately and although i dont fill my pockets or anything to bring it, up, they never check that kinda stuff so the stuff i have on a reg basis adds a lot of weight.

I'm tired of being looked at like I'm crazy and lying. I'm tired of Ed and I'm tired of my family controling and nit picking at every little thing I do. In a really weird way, even though I've been trying to stay out of the hospital, theres a very big part of me that really wants to be there.

I want to be noticably cared for and about. I want people to take me seriously and realize that I do have problems and I'm not exagerating and lying. I mean ya I do, but never to purposely exagerate, only to down play things so people don't freak out. I dunno maybe I am crazy, maybe that in itself is a reason to be hospitalized. I feel crazy. I have my reasons adn yet I feel they aren;t good enough reasons, like I'm not sick enough, but is that what I think? or what ppl are telling me?  I feel crazy, like why would anyone actually want to be hospitalized?  I mean ya I want to get better adn ya Ed is a living nightmare and he makes my life hard and ya I SI still sometimes and I'm not usually happy but can a hospital really fix that?  It can help with Ed but thats not going to make it all go away.  I dunno, I'm just lost and confused.  I don't know what to do.  I just want everythign to stop.  I just want to disappear.