dragonfyre's Journal

I hate the way I feel. It feels like whatever I do it's wrong, whatever I'm trying to do may be right but it just always seems to make things worse. 1 step forward and 3 back and nothing I do seems to change that. Growing up I sort of learned to not trust my emotions. They were always wrong or inappropiate and definitely couldn't be trusted and usually just got me into trouble or even deeper trouble. Over the years it has gotten worse it seems.

I am finally getting to the point where I am at least acknowledging that I have emotons and they do play a part in how I need to act but I don't trust them. Logic doesn't seem to always work either so I am stuck never knowing what to do. Somehow I need to integrate the two but I don't know how. None of it seems to make any sense to me and because of that it seems that no matter what I do it's either wrong or it's not enough, or it's too much. It makes no sense to me. 

Add that to my illness and how it makes me feel or view myself and things get even worse.  I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to do the things that I know need to be done. I speak loginically and generally to the point but it doesn't seem to be accepted. I try switching to an emotional point of view (a very strange thing for me) and it seems to just make things worse as I usually do or say the wrong things at the wrong time.

My illness generates a huge amount of pain that tends to throw me into depression which is  pure emotion that I don't even come close to understanding. I feel totally lost. sort of like a black cat in a coal bin at midnight. Impossible to find but it's still there. I don't know how to deal with the depression on a logical level and at the same time I don't seem to be able to deal with life and it's many varied hues of emotion. I feel like I am doomed to just always being wrong because the logical part of me doesn't know how to express how I'm feeling and the emotonally side of me doesn't have a clue what to do or how to do it.

So I end up doing nothing because the logical and emotional both seem to be wrong and I'm very rapidly learning that doing nothing is wrong also.  I try very hard to try and help others yet it seems that no matter what I do it's always the wrong thing to do or to say. At the same time it's obvious to me that I need to do something and that doing nothing isn't allowed in a relationhip. parent to children, friend to friend, a partner in a love relationship.

I just feel so lost. I almost with that my first set of blood clots or my subsequent heart attacks would have finished me off. I know that's wrong and don't really feel that way but my frustration and pain (physical and emotional) make it seem like a good idea. But as usual it's wrong and I know that.

I feel so lost.