dragonfyre's Journal

It is so frustrating. I try so hard to do the right things, to be supportive both emotionally and physically, and it seems no mater what I do, it's wrong. I often feel that just my presence causes problems. I try so hard to not let my depression show but it seems to creep out regardless. I just don't know what to do.

I am constantly (well almost anyway) trying to get my own depression behind me. I start to think I am making progress and boom, it's there in full bloom once again and I often have no idea why it happens or what triggers it. It seems I have no control over it. Some of it I know is from my life and how I have lived it, some of it is how my illness has affected me and how I have attempted to deal with it (also mostly wrong).  At one time (early 90's) I started writting poetry. Terribly dark and disturbing poetry. But it helped me to step back from what I was feeling. To disassociate what I was feeling from myself. It allowed me to look at it from an outsiders perspective of a sort. Whether it was right or wrong, good or bad I don't know. But it did allow me to survive that time in my life and give birth to some very different poetry. I have been told it's worthy of being published and have had a couple of them get to that point. That was never my purpose for it however. I have been told they have made battle hardened Marines break down in tears. I don't know. I can't really even read it myself as it brings up way to many memories. 

I don't seem to have that crutch with this latest bout of depression and don't really know how to deal with it. I just know that what I am doing is wrong and don't have a clue as what I can do or should do that is right and might actually help either others or myself. Some of it I know is caused by poor decisions, my children and my relationship with them. Most of it is just me. In many areas I feel like I have just given up. I try not to. I try to get into gear again and it only seems to last a little while and I'm back in my old self-destructive shell once again. I feel totally lost and confused.