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Jaelin 
Where do I find strength, when inside I feel so scared and weak.
Ive always been the strong one when it comes to helping others, but what about me?
I dont know how to feel strong for myself, my strength has always come from helping others, not myself, and Im finding for the first time in my life that I dont have the answers, I dont know what to do. Im finding out that maybe Im not as strong as I always thought I was, because I cant take my own advice due to my fears, and Im watching things fall apart around me, and Im scared, so I react in the ways Ive always reacted to fear, I give into it, I think to much, I get irrational, I cant let it go.. How do I get strong again?
I hate feeling anxious all the time, scared... This isnt me. I remember who I used to be, happy, sexy, carefree, caring, loving, confident, quirky and even sometimes nerdy. I used to smile. What happened to me? I stopped caring about myself somewhere along the way in this journey. I cared too much for someone else and let that dictate my life. Still my life revolves around him. Im afraid to ask things of him, afraid of his reaction, afraid i will drive him away. Even the slightest responsibility Im afraid to ask him to do, afraid he wont want to take it and say Im bitching cuz I need something from him, and Im tired of doing everything all by myself. Im lonely. I have friends who care, but somehow its always his response his attention that I want more. I want to feel loved. I want to cuddle, to be made love to, to feel worthy again. All of those things excpt the feeling worthy about I should get from him, the feeling worthy about I need to find within myself. Im afraid today, but Im doing ok.. Had an anxiety attack earlier but have calmed down, hopefully I will feel better later as well.
Comments
Honestly I dont know what to do.. I so wanted this time to be different for his behaviors to change, for him to start showing me love and appeciation.. Please God help me to be strong.. help him to take the wool out of his eyes. I want my bf back. Im tired of being second place, and tired of giving and not getting back. Im tired and I want to feel loved by him the way that I show him I love him. Im tired of being the strong one. :(
Does he know how scared I am for him, does he care, does he know how much I love him, does he care. Does he know that staying with him is breaking my heart everyday. Does he know that there is a better way.. He is so smart God, so beautiful, so determined, please help him to turn his life around, does he know that life isnt so bad, that he isnt a bad person, help him to realize he can deal and learn and do well. You gave him his strengths God, please remind him of what they are.Past Entries
| May 2009 |
Tuesday, 5/19
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Monday, 5/18
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Friday, 5/15
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Goal Updated
Are your needs getting met? If he isnt emotional, physically and spiritually avalible why are you looking to him to fill you? Ask God to help you and he will be your husband. Get yourselve to alanon meetings right now girl... Take care
jonsmom30