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VickiReneeT 
I went to the cemetary today after work. I don't know why, something tugged at me all day to go. It's really hard knowing your baby girl is in a box six feet under all that dirt. It's not right. I yelled at her for doing something so stupid & making all of us suffer like this so much. I asked her why didn't she call out to me for help like she did when she tried this 2 years ago. I cried alot. Then I told her about Kevin's cancer, since I never got the chance to tell her. I talked about a some times I remember her being little & when things weren't so screwed up in life. I told her I was sorry if I did anything that may have caused her to do this. I even made silly little "I love you" & "I love you too" hand gestures we used to do before she went to bed. Part of me wanted to get up & run out of there & part of me never wanted to leave.Then I gave her a kiss and asked all the other people there to keep an eye on her for me & take care of her. Then I came home. I don't know if I feel better or worse. I just don't feel right anymore.
Comments
I still do the same things you describe, and feel a lot of the same feelings. Know you are not alone, and being angry is OK, just don't hold on to the anger. I pray for peace in your heart. I always feel better if I just go ahead and cry, it releases the bad things, and find forgiveness, of myself and Jacob.
ironrattler
I go to the cemetary often and I know what you mean about not knowing if you feel better or worse after being there. But try to remember the good times with her, like the hand gestures at bed time and other good memories. When my son's death is pulling at my heart, I just try to turn it and think about the fun times we had. But it is ok to feel sad or angry. It's better to get it out and not hold your feelings in. I pray for some peace for you. Hugs, Kim
KimRW
I talk to my son, Michael, a lot. He was cremated and his ashes are right next to me in my bed every night. Weird, I know. But I don't talk to him at night. I usually talk to him when I go outside at work and look into the sky. Yelling is okay. Screaming is okay. Guilt, "silly hand gestures", the feeling of fleeing certain situations are all normal. Everything you are going to go through is normal. We are here for you. You are not alone. Love, Belinda
BinkyH
Vicki, what every one has said must be normal because ,there is not a day goes by that I don't ask Fred why he had to leave me so soon, and he wanted to be creamated and brought home with me so he is here on our King Size head board, and yes I tell him every day I love him , I'll never stop loving him, its been 4 months and I wake up every day looking at the empty hospital bed he had to sleep in, and I don't have the heart to let it go,I always think their could have been something else done to keep him here just a little longer. What hurts also is he didn't want to leave me and how much he loved me , I think about that and it makes me feel good but sad also . Don't blame your self about yourdaughter.we have nothing to do when God calls, he Already has things pland out and for what reason ,maybe we'll find out some day.Fred was really good with working in the yard , now I've been 2 days in the yard working , I have the back to finish, I'm so tired but still proud I wish he could see that I've done it all by my self, I know this may sound silly but by him being creamated and here with me I feel like a part of him is with me, I didnt think I'd make it this far I wanted to go with him and after it was all over and I was home a lone when I went to sleep and wake up I would take another sleeping pilli didnt want to be a wake and didn't want to talk to people,My daughter got me into this DS and. At first I didn't want to do it till I read that all ages of people were writing in for answeres to the disease MG thts is what took Fred away from me,Vicki there is no doubt your going to feel a different grief I'm assuming. Because it is your daughter, I have a wonderful daughter and I can't even deal with that thought of her,I'm not sure what I'd do but please remember there was a plan but you let your. Feeling out anyway you want, we are all here to help one another,I'm here day are. Nite if you need to. Let it out. I'm praying for your husband and you, GOD BLESS YOU BOTH. KAT
fkatt45
Honey; please don't add guilt to your grief and torment yourself over two issues.
You didn't do anything wrong - you loved her implicitly with all of your heart and soul and she knows that - she will always know that - I still talk to Shaun - and do things that others may not view as normal but guess what? It's my grief process, and my choice to do whatever I want to during it - if it means talking to him, taking pictures of his gravesite - talking about him, crying - sleeping - over eating - screaming - wishing it were a nightmare that I could wake up from - it needs to be let out - and let out everyday - she's a very pretty girl;
Hold onto the memories - savor in them - and may God begin to fill your heart with peace & understanding, love and continued strength - may he bless you in ways that seem miraculous - and hold your hand every moment in each day. Blessings.....I'm so sorry hon.
Denimari