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katlyn40 
10:53pm, October 6, 2009
How do you make the pain go away when it hurts so bad, that your heat just feels like it's going to explode and there's nothgin left to hold anything. Everyday is awash with new bouts of bad news, never good, just bad....how much am I supposed to take and still want to stay on this earth? I stay only for one purpose my son, my precious boy. I'm trying so hard to keep my 8 yr plan and stay in this world until he gets old enough to handle my passing but God I just don't know how much more I can take, mentally of physically. I know my friends and my family mean well but the constant "it will be okay's" "everything will work out" just doesn't do it. They don't understand, they don't understand how crippling the depression can be and I don't know how to make them. I wish that everything would be but it just doesn't work that way for me. I'm not sure why I've made God or whoever in the universe upset with me, but they feel the need to pile bad stuff upon bad stuff upon bad stuff on me, and I just can't take it anymore. I can't and I don't want to. I wish there was someone that could tell me what I'm supposed to do and how I'm supposed to handle all of this, I just don't know what to do anymore.
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For the past 2 days i've not managed to get out of bed. I set teh alarm and make sure i"m awake when my son gets home from school and then tell him I'm going to take a nap, but in essence I'be been in bed and asleep all day. I don't care about anything else, just staying in bed doing nothing. I'm losing my apt. at the end of the month and having to move somewhere that I don't want to go. Everyone things this is sucha great idea, everyone thinks they know what is best for me. I get so tired of it. Who cares anymore, why even bother to try and make them see otherwise?
Past Entries
| June 2009 |
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Monday, 6/08
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I feel like killing myself everyday. I know how you feel not wanting to live anymore with this pain and depression. My life is passing me by so fast because of my crippling pain. I'm so jealous of the living. I feel like I'm already dead sometimes and I'm a ghost just watching people live there lives to the fullest. It's not fair! what did I do to deserve this? what did any of us do to deserve this? I don't even try to help my family understand anymore. They are "understanding" and mean well but they will never understand what I'm going thru so all I have asked for is there support. And thats it. I hope both of us can find some peace in our lives soon. I think we, as well as everyone suffering from CP and depression, deserves some peace. I with you.. xoxox
~hugs
kmiller1973
I know I'm the probalby the last one you want to hear from, but I hope that we can honestly be friends. I understand that my approach was obnoxious but I want you to understand that I have lived through years and years of misery and depression and your words strike chords in my heart that make me emotionally ache. You have my support honey because you're right, bipolar is a miserable disorder and cripples you. I've just started to walk after years of despair and depression. Please allow me to be your friend and just tell me when I'm being obnoxious, I just feel like I finally found that light at the end of the tunnel I've been hearing about my whole life and in my excitement wanted to share it with the rest of those in the tunnel with me. My intentions were good although my approach was bad XO
npetersen77