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thebeginning 
Some days (today being one of them) - I just feel so alone in this world. I was in a relationship from the age of 15 to 34 - so for the majority of my life I have always had someone there. I left him going on three years ago as I wasn't happy - not that I find myself any happier now... but for different reasons I guess.
I have always had trust issues and have always felt that if I gave someone the knowledge of my problems, then it somehow gave them a certain power over me (childhood thing for me). Surprisingly, I am a proud person (the surprising part being I have done many things to not be proud of). Be proud is not a wonderful thing really, it ensures that you are lonely and that any offer of emotional (or other) support will be declined.
I thought maybe all these feelings were surfacing because for the first time in a long time - I am not worrying (as much) about gambling or hiding the fact that I was, or wondering how I was going to pay bills. Maybe this is the stuff that I was gambling because of - maybe it is because my life has such little substance that I chose to hide in a machine.
I have so many aspirations - but little drive to follow them through. Between working and trying to bring up my girls without destroying them through my addiction/s - I find myself with little or no drive to do anything else.
I don't want to live my life through my imagination, imagining that I have done this or that I am doing that - that I am feeling this with someone.......... but here I find myself doing exactly that.
ahhhh another day passes
Today I did not gamble.......
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You didn't gamble :)
Let's see, I've been in a lot of relationships, too. Still in one. I hate to think I went from one relationship to the next because I was afraid of being alone, but I think that's the closest to the truth as I'm ever going to get. I have trust issues as well. There have been so many innocent things in my life that I hid from others, thinking I was a monster. Funny things, really. Everyday problems that most everyone experiences, on the job, with my kids, with my friends, with my husbands, I didn't want to give the impression that anything could hurt me. I don't know if that was pride, it felt more like fear. Trust issues and fear. The fear of being rejected, or laughed at, or lectured, told what to do, told what not to do, blaaa, blaaa, blaaa, blaaa... I still don't like it.
You're not alone, that's for sure :) Take care, Love, Robin
Moyer
Thanks Moyer, I connect with what you have said. I am in a relationship currently also and started seeing this guy not long after my long term relationship broke for good. This relationship is a bit different in that it is a long distance relationship (different countries) and we only get to talk for a little while every day or two.....
thebeginning