Journal

I'm so sorry it took me so long to read your journal entry, it's been almost a month ago. Things do get easier, let me reassure you. When I first quit gambling, my emotions were running rampant, I cried at the drop of a hat. I felt weak and trembling, actual physical withdrawals, perhaps. I was afraid of myself, worried I could break at any moment. My self esteem was nonexistent, to the point I had a very difficult time even grasping the concept of forgiving myself. I was plastered with guilt and shame, I felt unforgivable and unworthy of love. When I finally got to the point that I realized I needed to forgive myself, to move on, I was amazed to realize, that in my past, I only thought I forgave others, I thought I was suppose to, as if it was the polite thing to do. How can you forget if you can't forgive, I said to others, but inside I knew I was only lying, I had things I needed to forgive myself for, let alone others. By forgiving myself , I set myself free. It wasn't all at once, not anything like that at all. In the beginning of my quit it was as if I was getting familiar with my life, minus the lies. Finally & slowly, I understand forgiveness, what it truly means for me to let go of the pain that I caused myself, to let go of past grudges, that lived in my mind, to stop judging and comparing myself to others, to be able to feel true compassion, based on caring and love. Finally & slowly. Today slowly is a nice speed for my emotions, giving them some thought, but not too much. Asking myself what I would like to do today, and following through. Life does go on without gambling.

Congrats on your over six weeks...I hope you get to read them...again, I'm sorry I missed your last je.

I'm going to post this reply to your je, I hope you don't mind. It's just that I finally decided to go through my friends list, and weed some out, because it's been so long since my old friends were online. I was worried I would offend someone, but I know they can come back, and we can be friends again. You see, your name starts with a t, so it's on my last page of friends, I kind of feel like that's how I missed your last je. Please know it gets easier.

Not only are you no longer adding to it, but you are paying off the debt. What a wonderful feeling. So glad that things are feeling a bit better for you at work.

Realizing your limitations and what you can and can't deal with is a very good thing. Keeping yourself safe is very important. Sometimes you just have to step back and have someone else deal with the crap. You can't make yourself crazy over someone else. It's ok to take care of yourself first. You need to....after all who else will? I truly hope things get resolved quickly with that person at work. Congrats on keeping gf throughout all the turmoil. That shows just how strong you are. Try to have a good day :)