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EmmyK 
12:45pm, November 3, 2009
First off excuse me if this doesnt make sense. Im half asleep from taking my ambien. But I HAVE to get this off my chest. I have to get some advice. So I'm going to write it now anyways.
Well the title for my journal basically sums up this journal. Love? It's kind of complicated. Actually its VERY complicated. AND IT HURTS LIKE HELL.
As of last Friday; Glenn and I had not seen eachother in 2 weeks. We both have been busy. I have had all the beauty pageant stuff, raising money for it, meetings, and of course therapy sessions. So needless to say I was busy and so was he with all the work he was having to do.
So Friday (July 24th 2009) we were supposed to get together for dinner and then hanging out back at his place to catch up and cuddle since we had not seen eachother in so long. Well around 5:30 I started calling him asking when he wanted to meet and where. Well he dropped a bomb on me and told me that he didnt know if he wanted to hangout that night because he was going to be busy. And he also decided to tell me that, he is going to the beach with some single guy buddies and then a few different girls.... his coming Sunday (August 2nd 2009) until the next Sunday (August 9th 2009). So he will be gone for SEVEN DAYS!!!
Well I think as most people can understanad; I was very caught off guard. I didnt know he had made plans to leave town. I was shocked it was going to be for that long. And I was upset that ALL SINGLE PEOPLE WERE GOING AND OTHER GIRLS. Seemed like bad news to me and it was very upsetting. But I told him I would like to talk more about it later. So I would know who all was going and all the details. I just wanted to be more filled in. But I told him that I trusted him and that I knew he would be good while he was away.
Well he got mad at me because according to him I was "assuming" things that he was going to do while he was down there. Well I wasnt assuming anything; let me know if you think I was. I was asking. So he got very mad at me. Very mad. Calling me names. Yelling at me. All of the above. So the subject then changed to...if we were going to see eachother that night. Well I told him that I wanted to see him but I wasnt in the mood to hookup or do anything sexual. AND THAT SHOULD BE RESPECTED... but it WAS NOT! He said some very hurtful things to me. He told me that if I wasnt willing to put out (have sex with him) that he didnt want to see me. That it had already been 2 weeks since we last did. I told him that it hurt my feelings what he said. And I asked him how does this make you feel: "thats like me saying I can go to this party tonight and get some (sex) if you arent willing to give it to me." I WOULD NEVER DO THAT. I WAS TRYING TO SHOW A POINT THAT WHEN YOU SAY THINGS LIKE THAT IT HURTS AND MAKES SOMEONE VERY MAD. So it worked...he got very mad. I didnt want him to get mad...that wasnt my goal. My goal was for him to understand that words hurt.
So he found a way to turn everything around on me and make it my fault.
He told me that I was a liar and what I really said was "I WILL CHEAT ON YOU" but that is so far from what I ACTUALLY said. I didnt say that at all. I just wanted him to understand; what he said hurt me. And I'm not abnormal. It hurt him to when I said it. SO POINT PROVEN!
But he got so mad at me and told me that he couldnt do it anymore. That he couldnt be with someone that was crazy, bitchy, jealous, and immature. He told me that he didnt love me enough to put up with all of that. And that he shouldnt have to. So he broke up with me. We didnt talk at all Friday (July 24th 2009) he wouldnt answer my phone calls or txt messages. Saturday (July 25th 2009) he went out with his buddies and got drunk and called me once and was an asshole the entire time. And he was talking to me while his "friends" were around and they were all saying stuff about me. Sunday (July 25th 2009) we talked for the first time on the phone. And after we talked he went out to his friends house to hangout and drink. Monday (July 26th 2009) he didnt work and hung out with this buddies all day and wouldnt talk to me or come see me to work things out.
So now its TODAY (July 28th 2009)
And started hitting on random girls TODAY (4 DAYS AFTER WE BROKE UP) where I could see everything he was saying. Im gonna show you all the convo and tell me what you think. But this comes off of facebook...its a status update (pretty much says what the person is doing or up to)
So here it is:
Jessie.. has work from 3-8. (this girls status; like what she is doing)Glenn: Where u work?
Jessie: as a lifeguard at different pools in franklin and bellevue.Glenn: Cool ... Bet u make a hot life guard... I would swim at ur pool lol
Jessie haha thanks. . its raining today so theres is no point in even working.Glenn: I agree ... I got rained out of work and am bored as hell at home... Bout time to smoke
JD: careful boy that's my sisGlenn: Lol no worries man... Don't stress urself
JD: im not you know i was jackin with yaGlenn:: I know bro.. I got a sister to lol Jessie: lol jd shut up.
So as you can see it looks like he is hitting on here...not cool. WE JUST BROKE UP AND IT WASNT SOMETHING THAT WAS SUPER OFFICAL. WE WERE GONNA TALK ABOUT THINGS. SO AS YOU CAN SEE THIS MADE ME VERY MAD.
So after I saw that convo; we met eachother today (July 28th 2009) and we were gonna talk about things. BUT EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT. EVERYTHING IS MY PROBLEM. HE IS PERFECT. I DO EVERYTHING WRONG. According to him; I'm a bitch, jealous, crazy, cant get over my past (the rapes), negative, and the worst girlfriend ever. So he blammed everything on me and wouldnt take credit for anything. It was all my fault. He made me cry. He made me hate myself again. I actually wonder what the hell is wrong with me??
So as we are sitting there in the park. I get a text message from a good guy friend named Robert. Well Holly had been sending me txt messages and so I thought it was from her and I was going to respond at a later time. But Glenn said that he saw more then one person message me. I told him no. I HONESLTY DIDNT THINK ANYONE ELSE HAD. So I picked up my phone and saw this message from Robert whom I had spoken to earlier about a party that I was thinking about going to. Well one I saw that someone had txted me...I freaked out. Because Glenn has anger problems and doesnt believe me when I tell him the honest truth about why someone is txting me. He says I must talk to them all the time or I must lead them on and like them. SO FAR FROM THE TRUTH. Well I was scared to tell him....yeah I guy messaged me..I talked to him a few hours ago and he saw I was upset because of our recent breakup and said I could come to this party and maybe it would cheer me up..so he would txt me later and pass along the details. So I didnt say anything at all about the txt. I said there was only messages from HOLLY. Simply because I was scared of what he would do or say if I told him the honest truth.
So he told me that I was a liar and that he couldnt be with a liar. So he was freaking out yelling and screaming at me. And told me that we would talk again soon maybe..but we were still not together.
WELL IS IT JUST ME?!? OR DOES HE MAKE EVERYTHING MY FAULT?! SOMEHOW HE CAN TURN ANYTHING AROUND ON ME; WHEN I HAVENT DONE ANYTHING AT ALL.
Well pretty much; it seems he has the control about what we are doing about us. He pretty much told me that everything is my fault and that I need to change or he wont be with me. Well I dont think this is TRUE or FAIR. I'll take 50 percent of the blame. I have jealous issues, trust problems, I can be negative, and sometimes I do assume things. But that doesnt make me the cause of our issues. The fact of the matter is: he is rude to me. He lies to me all the time.
When he talks about lieing it makes me so mad because he is the one who has been caught a number of times hiting on another girl or sending her facebook messages behind my back or asking to "exchange" pictures. I find txt messages from girls he says he doesnt talk to. I find out he is flirting and telling people he is single. That PART is all HIM. I dont do any of that. I have have never lied to him, never cheated, never hit on another girl, I have never "forget to tell someone that I had a boyfriend. I mean this part is all him. ALL HIM. He does all these things and blames me and says its my fault.
I HAVE NEVER LIED OR CHEATED. I HAVE NEVER LEFT HIM. I will work on some things that I need to. But I cannot change everything. He has to take credit for half and work out changing too.
He is going to the beach this upcoming sunday. I dont believe what he is telling me...he says he isnt looking for any girls; that he wont hookup; get numbers; or do anything wrong. Well I'm freaked out at the idea of him going to the beach SINGLE. AND EVERYONE GOING ON THE TRIP IS SINGLE!!! IM SCARED ABOUT WHAT HE WILL DO. Im scared he wont want to be with me after the trip. Im scared his friends will convice him to NOT WORK THINGS OUT. Im scared he will do something wrong and I will never know about it...all I will have is that gut feeling. And he will never tell me the truth.
I WANT TO KNOW IF WE ARE GOING TO WORK THINGS OUT OR NOT!!!
I WANNA BE IN A REALTIONSHIP OR SINGLE!
I DONT WANT THIS WHOLE BACK AND FORTH; WELL I DONT REALLY KNOW THING.
WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK?
IS IT ALL MY FAULT?
50/50?
ALL HIS?
And what do I do? Should I get back together with him if that an option? I dont know what to say anymore. It doesnt matter what I say somehow its my fault. I just cant do this not knowing thing. Its gonna kill me. I need to know if he is mine and all mine or not. I need to know if I am in realtionship with him or not. I NEED TO KNOW!! I need to know how to not let he blame me for everything and how to get him to see that he has PLENTY of things he needs to work on. This is more then just about the beach..its about my future. If my future is going to have him in it or not. ITS SOMETHING THATS KINDA IMPORTANT!!!!
Hope that made sense please let me know what all you think about everything :)
thanks guys.
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I put up with a man who made everything my fault for 16 years...don't do it! Get out while you still can. You are NOT to blame for everything. My husband twisted everything around to where it was ALWAYS my fault. I was the screw-up, the crazy one, the bitch...etc. This is mental and emotional abuse and you don't deserve it. You deserve so much more than a controlling, manipulative, abusive SOB in your life. Drop him and work on you, then find someone who can appreciate you for who you are without all the bull. You are young and you still have time. The alternative is stay where you're at right now and end up with it either killing you or having to get out when you're older in order to survive...I'm right now trying to build a new life for myself and my children because it was get out or die. Don't let the same happen to you. Get out while you still can.
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