BeckyJean2010's Journal

Tonight my boyfriend and I were talking about a specific sexual act that we've been considering doing. He's afraid I won't enjoy it; I was trying to convince him it will be fine, and in doing so I came super-close to saying "Well when I did it before".... what I'm trying to say is, there are times when I'm talking to my boyfriend and I speak without thinking, and put my foot all the way down my throat by refering to past boyfriends or past sexual experiences. I don't want to and I don't mean to, it just accidentally happens. I know it kinda hurts him b/c he knows what my ex-fiancee and ex-bf put me through; he's got to be thinking, "Why is she thinking about them?" or "Why does she think about what she used to do with him?"

This is one of the huge reasons I need help letting go of the ghosts of my past. Every time I think about my past experiences it hurts b/c I know they were just scumbags who wanted me for reasons other than love! And now that I found the perfect man who I'm supposed to be with (and I could not possibly ask for better!), I certainly don't want to think about what happened in the past 3 years before him.

When my bf and I had that conversation, he wasn't mad or upset with me. I could tell by looking into his eyes that it hurt him. He saved himself for 21 1/2 years for the right woman... I know that deep down he doesn't understand why what happened in my past happened. I know it doesn't make a difference about the way he feels for me. He loves me unconditionally, and he knew all about my past b/c I told him about it when we were just friends and not yet dating... and he held me while I cried and told me that I didn't have to worry b/c it would be okay... I just wish so badly that I'd saved myself for him. I know I learned a lot from being in the relationships I've been in, but why did I have to give in sexually?

When I told him tonight that I wish I could have saved myself for him, he told me that to him it's the same as though I had b/c he knows how truly I love him and that we have such a special, sincere love that the past is as if it never happened to him.

So after that conversation was over, I made a resoloution in my mind. I will pray about my situation and I will do a lot of introspection... I will also talk to close friends about the issue, who I know will have wise advice. By doing this, I WILL banish the ghost!! And then, when my ghost is gone, it will be as though none of that stuff in the past even happened. I will be able to focus solely on the one and only true love of my life. This is my resolve and firm resoloution in order to let go. My love for my bf and my determination to focus only on him is driving me to do so. Nothing else or no one else matters. Period.