Journal

Well as of today i am still not able to be working out at the gym due to my back injury with getting off the horse.  BUT work out or not, i have been walking and finally hit 198.6..... to some yeah this makes me still a very big girl, but to me i can't remember being this weight before, at least not in the last 10 yrs or more.   When i look back and remember the morning the scales said 289 i have to really think about who that person was...... i hated myself..... i did not know the person in the mirror.  I literally had no idea how to dress the huge fat woman that kept staring at me.  I knew that somewhere deep inside was still the girl i knew from before but God only knows i had no idea how to find her, and also what would she be like now even if I did find her.  I had to realize that the girl that had been thin and full of life was now 47 with 3 grown children and could very well not be anything like i remembered her being at all.  I had become a woman full of anger and bitterness to the world.  It didn't matter if I knew you or not, you had to have a better life than me because you wern't this huge gray haired lady that stared back at me each morning in the mirror.  You were the one that treated me as if i was from some other planet and that i was of the ugly class therefore could have no feelings, no thoughts, no nothing.  I know some of this writing today is just me rambling but i also know how theraputic its been for me to look back and see some of the things i have been thru on this journey of mine in the last 6 months and i want to remind myself of where i started at and where i have reached today.  First.... for many of us ....... our weight is only covering all the other probs we are having in our own selves.  When we look in the mirror at ourselves we must remember that NO ONE ELSE is putting those calories into our mouths.  NO ONE ELSE is preventing us from making the time for some form of exercise.  I have learned that i have to treat my body with respect, take care of it and it will take care of me.  I realize that breaking bad habits is never easy ( sitting here smoking a cigerette as i write this)  but i also realize that until i was willing to face the issues and get off my butt and FORCE myself to change my habits this journey was an impossible dream.  is it hard saying no to that piece of cake? HELL YES.... hell i used to eat not one piece but the entire cake if i am to be honest about it.  I would wait until late at night and then be in the kitchen getting huge slices of it and of course would nibble thin slices everytime i passed the kitchen, which had to be 50 times a day at least.  I would stash bags of cookies so that i knew they were mine and also that way i was not accountable to anyone about them.  I will not sit here and lie, occassionally i still have a melt down and will eat a hostess pie or a quick donut and on two occassions have even bought those single serving german chocolate cakes, but there is still halloween candy and i haven't touched a piece of it.  I am realizing just how fast my weight can SOAR back up if i do not stick to my diet so yes i am realizing that to maintain my weight and continue to lose is going to be a lifetime battle for me but on the other hand it's the war  I AM CHOOSING TO WIN!  Losing this weight has given me back my own self respect,  I am finding the girl there that i had buried under all the fat and thought i was suceeding.  the problem with burying her was that her emotional issues did not go away, they only grew and over took her entire life making her bitter and to be honest not a good mother in many ways, not a good wife and certainly not a good person.  I know its not easy for all of us to get the counseling we need to overcome all our issues...... but i will now say this......... LOVE THYSELF ALWAYS.... in fact its on my phone where i have to look at it each day.  In this day of people not being honest, selfishness, parents never home, peer pressure.... and sadly just down right cruelty WE MUST LOVE OURSELVES.  I know for me that meant I had to seriously look at me..... my anger issues, my hurt over my childhood, the pain i had for the mental loss of my brother (i blamed myself that we have no relationship) the hatred i had for past step mothers and the abuse dished out by them,  hating my dad for not recogonizing the damage done and his drinking his way thru life to not have to deal with children or anything else for that matter, resenting my husband for not putting me first in his life (always his mother or children or work came first)  all of these issues i have had to confront...... even down to the mother that i had been with my own children and that i felt a failure because i was only a "housewife" .  None of this has been easy..... but worth every step of this journey as now I realize that I would not be the person i am today had i not made the decision to unbury my past and my fears and my disappointments in life in general.  If i had one piece of advice to pass on it would be ......... SOMETIMES CONFRONTATION with yourself and others.... MUST BE DONE!   There can be no more lying to yourself and or others, There can not be anymore lack of speaking up on issues that cause pain, and most of all recognize that when we "bury" the pain and/or other issues they don't stay buried but surface in our everyday lives in other ways we can not control. 

          This journey for me has been over 47 yrs in the making until i decided that no more would anyone else have the power over me.  That  if i want to respect myself then i must change the things within myself and my abilities.  I have spent the last 3 1/2 yrs learning to love me and forcing myself to face me in the mirror and dealing with all that hate and anger that i had for many many many reasons.  My relationship with my father is still not what many have but its a whole lot better than its ever been.  My brother and i now talk regularly and we both realize that we do need to stay in touch even though sometimes its only to be able to confirm to eah other that yes..... those nightmares did happen.  My kids and I now have wonderful relationships and we are able to talk openly and honestly with each other and though i may not always agree with decisions in their lives they know they are loved and I know they will be better parents than I was when they were younger.... so I have peace in my heart now in that catagory.  and my husband...... well my husband is due home sometime the beginning of December and i am looking forward to two wonderful months of being with him.  His mom will not be returning to the USA again therefore she will not be living with us anymore which is a huge relief to me.  Instead we will go to egypt and visit her and he can see her while the ship he works on is docked in Alexandria.. Its still not a "perfect" marriage as he has to be gone from home for four months at a time but when he is home for two solid months it will be no phone ringing, no worrying about what is going on at work and he now realizes that what i have been telling him for yrs is coming true.  Our kids have grown up and have their own lives and what is left is US.  I am very lucky to have married a man that loves me so much even though at the moment i have to say i am worried now about when he does come home this time HeHeHeHe......(he has only seen me for 2 days since i started losing all this weight) but i know he loved the fun laughing girl that i was and will be thrilled with the beautiful woman that i have become.  He is going to be more than a little shocked at how my life has changed and I know insecurities will kick in for him but as soon as he realizes that there will never be another man in my life but him....... we will be wonderful!!!!!!!!!

   My wish for each of you.... May we all learn each day how wonderful a person we are and if we don't like the person in the mirror may we have the strength to be honest with ourselves and unbury the past and let the past be just that..... the past