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tyeis 
6:06pm, September 30, 2009
1
for the past couple of days i have been struggling to understand my head.
i get this tingling sensation in my brain...its like goosebumps but on the inside of my head. and sometimes i feel alot of pressure in my brain too, and my eyes just want to close...and the back of my neck hurts too. ill blink to relieve that need to close my eyes and maybe sleep. everytime i blink like that i just want to put my hand on my heart because it flutters. i get really dizzy. if im sitting down for a long time and then i get up fast, my head will spin like a top and these little white dots cloud my vision. i think im starting to be anemic again. and the reason for that would be because i dont eat like i used to. everything makes me nauseous. i always want to throw up. i want to throw up everything i put in my mouth. sometimes i want to destroy my body. i hate my body, i hate seeing myself naked. i fantasize about taking a hot knife and slitting my fat body up into little peices. sometimes i spend hours looking for things around the house to cut myself with. i dont know why i do it...ill pick up a sharp knife and run my fingers through it...very gentle so as to not cut my fingertips and just think about that senario, how satifying it would be..how it would sound..how much blood would be pouring out of me. and i close my eyes again to get the whole picture. and inside i start to smile...my mouth wont smile...but inside i do. i think about how free i would be if i did that...but then something always comes up...someone starts walking down the steps...the phone rings...i get a text message..and then i shove the knife back to where it was and walk away. but i know one day i will get my chance.
for the past couple of days i have been struggling to understand my head.
i get this tingling sensation in my brain...its like goosebumps but on the inside of my head. and sometimes i feel alot of pressure in my brain too, and my eyes just want to close...and the back of my neck hurts too. ill blink to relieve that need to close my eyes and maybe sleep. everytime i blink like that i just want to put my hand on my heart because it flutters. i get really dizzy. if im sitting down for a long time and then i get up fast, my head will spin like a top and these little white dots cloud my vision. i think im starting to be anemic again. and the reason for that would be because i dont eat like i used to. everything makes me nauseous. i always want to throw up. i want to throw up everything i put in my mouth. sometimes i want to destroy my body. i hate my body, i hate seeing myself naked. i fantasize about taking a hot knife and slitting my fat body up into little peices. sometimes i spend hours looking for things around the house to cut myself with. i dont know why i do it...ill pick up a sharp knife and run my fingers through it...very gentle so as to not cut my fingertips and just think about that senario, how satifying it would be..how it would sound..how much blood would be pouring out of me. and i close my eyes again to get the whole picture. and inside i start to smile...my mouth wont smile...but inside i do. i think about how free i would be if i did that...but then something always comes up...someone starts walking down the steps...the phone rings...i get a text message..and then i shove the knife back to where it was and walk away. but i know one day i will get my chance.
