ShellsNCheese's Journal

We had a good weekend, up until Sunday when we were coming home. He did not respond the night before the way I wanted him to. I carried it over until the next morning, got mad and he did too. I allowed something so petty to not just roll off my shoulder, but instead played all these "you made me feel, that hurt me because" when his behavior never changes how he feels about me, yet I HAVE to look into things more than what they are. To show myself, see he doesn't love/care..if not that..then it is about always needing to be unhappy/miserable. I have to find something to be upset about.

So, while in the car on the way back he went OFF. It was so beautiful in so many ways. For one, he said so many things that made me realize OMG I am a effin' retard mentally. He started off my saying that you know what YOU are the cause of all our issues.  How you respond to things and let things affect you IS what is wrong with us. It is why we fight, it is why we are where we are right now because Shells has to find something in everything. He went on to admit that no he's not perfect, but none of our issues are anything he does or does not do. I then started to come out of my stubborn-pshshsh yea whateverness. He was speaking the truth and it was starting to bother me. Coming to the realization that I REALLY AM the problem. As he's going on I'm thinking back to all the arguments all the issue and they are all because of my response or how I chose to deal with simple things and make them big. He reminded me that I always say how great of a man he is and how perfet he is, then if that is true what I say then what more can he do? If he already does it all what more do I need to feel whatever it is I don't feel. That was the moment I started to cry. I realized and had to really look at myself and say omg it is ALL you. If you would allow it, you would be in a loving happy relationship. He tries and he gives. Is there one thing he does not do or you would want him to do more of??? Not one thing. He literally does everything I need. Yet it is not enough and then I act out then it makes him not want to do things for me and be honest and not do things he knows I would be upset about. Who would blame him for doing what men do when they're hurt and upset-act out.

The most moving moment and when I really broke down, but hid it well under my diva sunglasses. Was when I realize how well he really does know me. He went on to say all the stupid things that were going through my head the night before that got me all upset. It sounded so stupid. But I swear it was all verbatum as if he heard my stupid obsessive thoughts. It was amazing and I was in awh! I then felt an instant feeling of being helpless. Like I don't know how to stop this. I don't know how to get out of my own mind.

He believes I am too smart not to overcome this. Not to just STOP. He said you don't allow your issues to affect you in other ways in your life. Like, my school, work, social life. If you want to stop being this way because you love and want to be with me you will. He doesn't buy into any of these issues or disorders. He thinks that I am capable of coming out of this pattern I've built. He's still willing to be there, but I can feel it. This is it. This moment on. There is no, I am working on..I am trying. I must do! There is no other options.

My mentor said to remind myself of something when I felt the need to act out. I did it a few times but never really consistantly. I decided today that my focus will be and only be "To Make Him Happy." No matter what. Remind myself in moments I want to get upset..say to myself "would my response to this make him happy?"

The funny part of it all is how important it is for me to be perfect and have him so in love and happy with me. But I work just as hard, literally in pushing him away and making him NOT wanna be with me. It is actually started to kill me that I am pushing him to do the things I don't want him to do and eats me up knowing how it is making him feel.

I feel so drained, so helpless. I feel like I don't know how to be better, I keep thinking I need stability I need organization in us, but then something keeps telling me STOP THINKING and just focus on doing whatever it is you know puts a smile on his face, know will make him happy, know will make him feel good. PERIOD. This is it!