Journal

I have been feeling slightl nauseous all day, but not bad. I only felt nauseous the first day. What I did notice was that I have way more anxiety than I thought. Since being on the pill it is almost as if it kinda pull more of it out or identified itself more. Like, I don't get panic attacks and I haven't for years, but I can see where I get more anxiety during certain situations more often than I thought. I don't know, I never saw or felt it as much as I do now, but it is a calming during those times, where I identify it and then it goes away. I kinda have that it gets worse feeling before it gets better thing going on I think, hell I don't know.

I have had NO cravings for caffeine which is so weird because I drink a cup of coffee as soon as I get to work, but it is like I don't want it. Haven't had coffee in a week, I did have a cup of decaf yesterday just because I wanted the taste. I feel anxious almost throughout the day. Not in a bad way, but an upbeat energy filled kind of way.

I haven't had any nightmares but I definitely feel a lil weird while I'm asleep, I can tell I have some type of sleep aid in me from the pill. I go to sleep early now that I am not drinking so I get really good sleep and wide awake all day. I now workout before work which helps too.

I have three more weeks to go of no alcohol(at least that's the goal, who knows if I keep taking this or not). This is the longest I've probably gone without alcohol since I started drinking about 5 years ago. I am happy to see the results of weight loss. I know they're going to be GREAT. All I want is 5lbs of fat, but I'm sure it'll be more.

I have a problem with taking this everyday for the rest of my life. Sometimes I feel stuck in my thoughts and realize I kinda zoned out for a moment. I have a really weird taste in my mouth too, forgot about that. It reminds me of the way my mouth tasted when I was fasting on the Master Cleanse years ago. Just an empty dry taste. I don't want to take this pill forever and I definitely don't want to NOT drink forever, so I am just gonna take it one day at a time and see how it goes after the 30 days. This pill has to significantly take care of my anxiety and obsessive thoughts for me to want to keep going. But I am giving it a chance..so..we shall see.

I was going to journal all that him and I have been through over the past week and I just don't want to put anymore energy towards it. Basically, my worse fear came true but it took me a while to realize the pain that I have cause and my contribution to us being where we are today. We both have continously hurt one another, yet now we have taken the route to overcome. This process will be slow..I am at a different place since all has happened over the past couple of months. His constant dedication, patience, tenderness and just overall refusal to give up on us is why I can't not PUT HIM DOWN.

I was scared to death to take this medicine. I hate medicine, totally against it, but I forgot I was a huge risk taker. So, I did it. It made me slightly sleepy, but as soon as started to fall asleep that is when all kinds of weird stuff happened. lol First, I had that asleep but not really..but kinda awake but can't move your body in and out thing going for a while at first. Then all the nightmares came. There was this dark figure that use to come in my dreams when I was four, hadn't seen him since; he was there. I mean it was scary. It was almost like many of my fears were surfacing. I kept praying and surrounding myself with God's white light and it would shift to another type of "fear" based dream. CRAZY! The whole "texture/tone" of the dreams were weird and different. The night was very bizzare feeling and I couldn't stop thinking every moment. I kept waking up and going back to sleep and thinking to myself while falling back to sleep, but the sleep was okay. The dreaming was what was weird.

I woke up feeling pretty good. Not tired and I managed to make it to 9:30am and not have a cup of coffee(not coffee for me today). Wanted to see if I would crave it, nope. For some reason I don't feel like I need it. I definitely feel different this morning, but not sure what it is. Plus I'm a thinker so I could always be psyching myself out as I am known to do. I do feel a lil nauseous!