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  Snugglezach (07/10/09)

  I read your posting and do understand you completely. Please know that if you ever need someone to talk to about your pet loss or need someone to understand your love for pets I am here. I can't imagine not loving these creatures--the world would be so dark without them. Please write any time you need to.
  
  With respect to your profound sadness, and feelings of suicide, alot of that comes from such a profound loss of such a strong love connection. I can't imagine loving both Zachary and Fluffy more. With Zachary, I too had those feelings of could I have done more? an IV drip, some other treatment? What more could I have done. Some of this was just my feelings of not wanting to loose him and loose that love we shared and some was wanting to help him so bad I couldn't stand it. I recently look at a video I made of him several years ago and then one I made in January of this year. I really noticed the difference in him. He was much slower to react, move, seemed a bit out of it, and in general just didn't seem to be the same anymore. His illness had taken its toll and his life quality was not as good. Because animals hide their pain/illness, he may have felt alot worse than he showed. I have come to the conclusion that I did the right thing by having him put to sleep. When he had convulsions, was so uncomfortable he couldn't sleep or sit still, it was no longer a good life. An IV probably would have maybe gotten him a couple more days, but I didn't want him on some cold table for 2 days with a needle stuck in him 24 hours and not near me. He would have hated that.
  
  We are very hard on ourselves as pet moms, but at some point we tell ourselves we did the best we could with the information we had. What more could we ask.
  
  The sad part is that we are all designed to fail and pass away, to make room for new life. It will happen to everyone of us, unless an accident gets us first.
  
  I understand your feeling not to want another pet, because you don't want to experience that pain again. However, you may want to think whether the years of joy
  outweigh the pain.
  
  As I look back on my time with Zachary and dealing with 6 years of illness and finally his loss, I can say I am glad he was in my life. Despite all the pain, my days with him were the happiest days of my life so far. I wouldn't have wanted to miss them. Even though I still wake up at 3 AM crying for him and now for Fluffy too.
  
  Fluffy's death was even worse because I blame myself totally for his death by what I think was a coyote. There is tremendous guilt. I opened the door to let him out. I was not there at the second he meowed (for what now I think was a cry for help). I didn't leave the door open wide enough for him to get back in. And most of all I did not save him. This extreme guilt made me suicidal. The grief continues to be overwhelming! I am begging him for forgiveness and trying to find meaning in all of this.
  
  Often I had told Fluffy, when I was holding Zachary, "Your time will come when I will devote myself more to you for now I need to hold Zachary, his life is almost over" In May it was Fluffy's "time". Zachary had passed and now I could give him my exclusive love. He had it in the past but not as much as he wanted. Then it came to be that he only had 2 months of my exclusive love. Why would that be cut short? I don't know and struggle with that every day.
  
  Anyway, please write when you need help and I will be there for you.
  
  
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  myfelines (07/07/09)

  I am so very sorry for your loss and I know so well what you are feeling.You see my little girl had to be put asleep over a year ago April and the pain and guilt stiil remain. I also tried desperately to help her-going to a couple of "doctors" who didn't help her either. I feel that I didn't get her to the "right" doctor perhaps and that kills me still inside. She too was my everything and I know I was hers. I can tell you that you need to take care good of yourself and know that you did everything that you could for him. Remember that we will always hold them close to our hearts, the love always stays and I know at times I still feel her presence around me. I wish you peace in the days to come. Please contact me if you need to talk-I'm here. MANY HUGS******* Laurie (myfelines)
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  myfelines (07/07/09)
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  shygirlnh (07/07/09)

  I'm very sorry for your loss, it takes a long time to "get over it", especially when you've done everything that you can do for a sick pet. After I lost my dog (he had been sick, I did everything I could, and agonized over the decision to have him put to sleep), it was 8 months before I could think about getting a new pet... but in the meantime, I visited my Doctor to talk about depression. You may want to consider doing that as well, it can help. HUGS