ElenaNJ's Journal

why do i feel like dropping to my knees, after a convo with my ex-husband and daughter. i just called to touch base, i was confronted with a cold voice, not really there, obviously just hateful, maybe tired but i don't htink so.  he's pissed over taxes because we claimed the children.

he said, "you're on your own," itold him how mean autumn is baeing. and that austin probably doesn't want me to take him to counseling. i feel like a heaviness in my heart, like iu have to gasp for air.

why can't i stop crying. i try hard to thave a good day, everyday. i am a different person now, not happy but just dealing with hurt. rejection from my children. ok, help me to be strong. there's no one toreally help. my 6 yr. old sees me crying and tries to comfort me, but i don't want her to have a sad mom. maybe it's her that will keep me strong.

how many tears can one person shed. at this point i feel like i can't try anymore with my children. to constatnly get rejected and called names and just hated, it's too much for me. i feel weakined. i feel shy, and scared of what's next. even on thephone.

again, here i am sobbing, over what? a phone call. alyssa' singing don't cry, and i'm going to scream! i want to bang my head against a wall. jump in water and not come up.

i have peoplethat depened on me, so much. how do people go on during times of adversity? i need strrength, my life, my life, i ruined it, somehow, i fucked up my life. it can't be fixed the way i want it twith my children. i'll feel the pain forever i'm afraid, during holidays, and interactions with them. i just feel like my shoulders are slumped, my head lowered.